Dealing with it

So, my life is still going at 100 miles an hour, but I am finally able to start dealing with things.  I have been able to help my friends who had the baby who died and that has really helped me deal with my own issues regarding Robin.  I was able to edit some photos for their baby's funeral and that was a very healing process for me.  I think that because I was finally able to confront my issues, I have been able to heal a bit more and move on.  This has made it easier for me to interact with people and to start to get my life in order.  Another thing that has helped is that Otto is working at a fantastic job now and so it takes a lot of the financial burden off of me.  I don't have to stress about money anymore and I have been able to cut back on my hours at the Store and insert some more FUN things into my life.
As some of you know, my little family has a weekly ritual of Family Fun Night and Family Home Evening.  These two things are different from each other as our Family Home Evening usually consists of a Family Meeting with some sort of teaching Incorporated into it.  We do everything from plan for emergency situations to talking about issues that our family is dealing with.  For Family Fun Night, we just go out once a week and do something fun as a family!  This week we did it last night.  We took the kiddies to this cute little restaurant called Diner Deluxe.  The kiddies all ordered Cream Soda floats for their drinks and we were able to have some FUN and modern diner food.  It is probably the only time that my kiddies will be able to eat breakfast foods for dinner while I am around because I am totally against that!  It was fun and the food was good and it made me so happy that I finally have the time to just play with my kiddies.  I have really missed being their mom over the past couple of months and it feels so good to be back!
So, I am dealing with things. . . . I am starting to find some sort of order to my chaos. . . . things aren't perfect yet, but they are coming along!

Go Back

I wanna go back on my cruise!!!  I just want to escape!!!  I am feeling really overwhelmed and very emotional right now.  It seems as though when I landed in Calgary that my life became really complicated, very busy and I just can't keep up and I can't get control over my emotions.  I feel as though I am failing in everything and I don't know how to fix it.
- My kids are all really sick
- Some friends of mine gave birth to a baby girl who passed away that same day
- Because of this baby, I have been thrown back into all of my emotions surrounding Robin's birth
- I forced Abby to take her cello exam even though she has been really sick and I am quite sure that she won't get a good score because she was still so sick
- I came home to a house that I haven't been able to clean since Otto lost his job
- I have had several scheduling conflicts which have resulted in me not living up to my responsibilities which is a really hard thing for me to deal with
- I just want to cry all of the time and I can't handle any conflict because I am just so overwhelmed
- I am getting pressure to get things done that are beyond my control and I can't do anything until someone else does their part

So, that's me.  If I look terrible, this is why.  I feel like I just want to escape back to Mexico. . . good thing Otto is working again so that if I decide to go, we will at least have the money!!!!

Crossroads

It seems to me that every September, I come to a crossroad of sorts.  I always seem to have to make some big decisions on what I want my life to be like for the next little while in September.  This year is no different.  I am currently in the process of making some big decisions which will affect both myself and my family in the future.  It's hard.  It's scary, and I am just trying to get as much information as possible.
The neat thing that I have found with crossroads is that making the choice and finally setting your foot on one of the pathways is always rewarding.  I find that after I have made my decisions that I feel more secure and at peace.  It seems that I have the most unrest when I am at the crossroads rather than when I finally take the step of faith.
Once I make my decision, I will post more about it, but for now. . . .
. . . . well. . . .  .
I am still at the crossroads.

Maybe We're Wrong

I think that I have mentioned over the summer that this year I have been struggling with where I am in life, right now.  I seem to be unhappy with myself and that has been a huge struggle for me over the last year or so.  Don't get me wrong, I love my family and I love my life, but I am just not happy. . . or at least I wasn't for a long time.  I have tried to get advice from many different people as to what I should do to help me feel better about myself.  I have gotten some great advice from so many people and I appreciate all of it.  The NUMBER 1 piece of advice that I have gotten is "You are so busy that you need to take a little 'ME' time to relax and regroup."
  I think this is good advice.  I think that for the most part, everyone needs to take a little "me" time and relax and regroup.  The problem is that in my quest to always have a little "me" time I have noticed that I still haven't achieved my goal of happiness that I desire. 
And then it hit me. . .
Maybe this way of thinking is wrong. 
Maybe the answer ISN'T that I need MORE "me" time. . . . maybe I need LESS "me" time.
Let me explain.
You see, this past weekend was my Grandma Lee's 80th birthday party.  I was busy. . . . okay, beyond busy.  I spent days scanning, editing, organizing, and burning pictures onto disks for my family and then creating a slide show of my Grandma Lee's life.  It was a lot of hard work. . . but I was happy to do it.
As part of the evening's events, all of the grandchildren were to write down their favorite memory of Grandma Lee.  There was one story, in particular that struck a chord in me.  One of my cousins shared with us that while having a conversation with my Grandma Lee one day that she said to them, "I never had a mid-life crisis because I was too busy."  She was!  She was constantly busy doing things for other people.
That hit me.
(Picture a heavenly choir singing Handel's Hallelujah Chorus in your mind now)
If I want to be truly happy, I need to stop worrying about trying to make myself happy, I need to focus on making other people happy and I will seek the joy and peace that I desire.
That's it!
The lightbulb has turned on and I get it now!
I finally understand!
In a world where everything is about "me" and "my instant gratification" I was looking in the wrong place for happiness.  I was becoming so absorbed in myself that I was getting consumed about how I should be feeling when in reality the answer was to serve other people instead of myself.
So, I tried it out. . . and guess what . . . it works!!!
I have been trying it out on my family first and the results are undeniable!  It turns out that I am happiest when I am doing something for them.  When I actually stop what I am doing and actually listen to what they are saying or asking me to do. 
Otto and I went and delivered bags for donations for the food bank that we will be picking up on Saturday together on Wednesday evening after the kids were in bed, and I realized as we were walking home, hand in hand, that I had finally found what I was looking for.  I have found the peace and the joy that I have been seeking. . . . and while my family and friends' advice was good, and I do believe that we should take time out for ourselves, that maybe while we are doing that we should maybe invite someone who we know is having a hard time to come along with us. . . . or maybe we should spend that quiet minute writing a note to someone we love . . . . or making meals for someone who is sick. . . . and so on.  Maybe those minutes that I have to myself can be best used to help others and then I will find the happiness and the joy that I have been seeking. . . . maybe I was wrong in my thinking before. . . maybe it isn't all about "ME".

New Perspective

With things that have been happening in my life over the past little while, I have decided that I wasn't really happy with the way that certain things were going in my life.  I was tired of feeling depressed and angry.  So, I decided that I was going to change some things in my life in order to feel better. 
I am a very goal oriented person, and I find that the key to successfully completing a goal is to write it down.  I have already done some things to start taking care of how I feel about my looks.  I have a new hairstyle and color, I am getting back into running again (thanks to the okay from my doctor), and I have bought myself some new clothes (always helps!).  I have cleaned my house from top to bottom and so this is my new starting point.  So, without further adieu, my goals:
1 - GOAL:  Be nicer to people.  HOW TO ACCOMPLISH IT:  Smile when I pass people on the street and always try to keep all comments positive.
2 - GOAL:  Keep my house clean.  HOW TO ACCOMPLISH IT:  Start back with the Fly Lady program again.
3 - GOAL:  Spend more time uplifting myself.  HOW TO ACCOMPLISH IT:  Set aside time every day to read.
4 - GOAL:  Have fun with my kids this summer.  HOW TO ACCOMPLISH IT:  Schedule fun things to do as a family and with friends.
5 - GOAL:  Be nicer to my kids.  HOW TO ACCOMPLISH IT:  Make a conscious effort not to raise my voice.  Always use "Please" and "Thank you " when asking them to do something.
So, that's it.  Those are my 5 goals for the summer.  Once September hits I always reevaluate where I am and make changes to my goals.  I am excited to spend the summer with my friends and family and hopefully I will be able to accomplish my goals and feel happier and healthier!

Assume

You know the saying "When you assume something you make an ass out of you and me?"  What do you think about that?  I have been thinking a lot about people judging people lately and it seems as though every time I turn around, I am hearing discussions, lectures and complaints about why this is so wrong.  I have made a very conscious effort in my life to try and not judge people, but I know that I am not perfect.
What happens when we "Assume" a person is a certain way because of stereotypes or circumstances?  It is really easy to close your mind to the real possibilities of who this person really is.  I have two examples, of some circumstances that I have actually learned a great deal from.  I wanted to share them with you and hopefully the people that are involved in these circumstances will not be mad that I chose to do so.
#1 - A woman was at a health clinic to weigh her children.  She has two boys and the oldest is going to be 2 soon and the youngest is 8 weeks old.  While she was there, she was undressing her youngest baby and her older child disappeared.  He was trying to escape the clinic.  When she went to go get him, he came back kicking and screaming, drawing the attention of everyone in the room.  In order to contain her older child, this woman stood him on the counter next to her baby whom she was trying to change.  A health nurse came over and asked her to take her older child off of the counter.  When this woman explained that it was the only way that she could contain him, the nurse proceeded to tell her that she at least needed to sit him down.  When this woman did this, her son reacted by kicking and screaming and so he was put on the ground where he proceeded to run off again.  When it was their turn to get weighed, the woman took her older son over to the scale where there was a smiley face on the wall for him to look at.  He didn't want to look at the smiley face, but he eventually ended up getting weighed anyways.  After the weighing, another little boy who had been sitting very quietly with his family, and seeing what had been going on with this woman went over to the scale to get weighed because it was his turn.  Upon seeing this, the woman's older child started pointing at the other little boy and getting upset that he was getting weighed.  The woman reassured her son that it was the other boy's turn and she proceeded to dress her baby again.  While she was doing this, her older son went over and slapped the other little boy in the face.  The parents of the other child grabbed their child and just stared at the woman as she tried to apologize over and over again.  She was embarrassed for herself, her children and for what she knew she was being judged for.
What would you have thought?  Is she right?  Do you think she was being judged?  I KNOW she was.  I know that 8 years ago when I only had 2 little girls, I probably would have thought she was a terrible mother.  Now, however, after having 5 children and a lot more experience, I understand that all children have terrible days where they hit, scream and just have fits in the most inconvienent places.  I have learned that no child is bad ALL of the time and when you are out and about with two young children by yourself that you can always use a helping hand.  This story reminded me of how much better it is to ask a person if they need help when you see that they have one child who is out of control instead of just ASSUMING that they are a bad parent.  I have, in fact, come across very similar situations in the health clinic and I have offered to help out.  Even though people don't take you up on your offer because they don't know you, the kids usually calm right down because they are scared of the stranger.  It ends up working even without you actually helping out. 
#2 - In the church that I belong to, no one is paid to do anything to help run the services, everyone is a volunteer and the Bishop "calls" them and asks them to volunteer for certain things.  After a period of time, that person is "released" from what they have been called to do and then called to do something else.  These are called "callings" in our church.  There is a woman that I know quite well and she has been trying to get another woman who attends church with her called to organize some meetings and social gatherings for the women in her area of the church.  She is having a hard time getting this woman called because this second woman is of a race where the stereotype is that they are lazy and unreliable.  This woman is actually amazing and quite reliable, but because of the stereotype, there is a lot of hesitation with having her called to do this task because it is quite a large task.  This really hit home for me because it has made me wonder if I have ever just "ASSUMED" a person would be a certain way because of their race.  Have I ever discredited someone because of the color of their skin or "ASSUMED" that they would act a certain way because of what the stereotype is?  It is an interesting thought.  I know that I have had to make a conscious effort to erase some stereotypes that I have had in the past and to see people for who they really are!  I want my children to grow up in an era where they can see past the color of someone's skin and really see the person for who they truly are!  This reason is one of the reasons that my kids attend a spanish school.  They are surrounded by amazing latino women and children and they love them.  They have no idea that latinos can be judged based on the fact that they are latino.
I hope that my children can grow up to see past the color of someone's skin and not make quick irrational assumptions about people without really knowing them.  I hope that my children can grow up in a world that is more understanding and less critical.  I hope that they can learn to treat everyone as equals regardless of race, physical appearance, fame or circumstance.  I also hope that they can get that same respect in return.  I guess I will have to just keep working at it and not just assume that it will happen.

My small rectangular friend

Oh my little rectangular friend. . . . . how do I love thee?
What was my life like before you?  How did I ever think up recipes on my own?  How did I ever look up phone numbers and emails?  How did I ever stay in touch on twitter and facebook? 
Where have you been all of my life?
My life will never be the same again!  I am now dependant upon you.  What a magical little ipod you are!  You know exactly which song to play to go with my mood.  You are my little ipod of wonder when my kids are bored at an appointment and they can watch movies on you!  You have apps for my little scientist, my big guy, my own musical pleasure, learning apps for my monkey and even a light saber.  I mean, who could have little boys and not live without a light saber. 
You have been the cause and solution of many fights between my children.  You have given me an outlet when I can't sleep at night.  You are there with your spinning recipe apps when I need some inspiration for dinner.
What did I do without you?
Oh Ipod touch.  I think I am in love!  I hope you feel the same way too ;)

In a Funk

Lately I have been in a bit of a funk.  I have felt a bit overworked and underappreciated.  It finally came to a head on Friday during a conversation on the telephone.  That was it.  That was the straw that broke the camel's back.  I was broken.
I couldn't stop crying.  I have been very much on edge emotionally for about a month now and I just couldn't take it any more.  The dam broke.  I cried until I couldn't cry any more. 
I am still trying to pick up the pieces.  I am gradually feeling better, but I will admit that I still feel really fragile.
How did this happen?
I am a strong person.  I can take a lot of crap.  I can handle just about any situation.  I have big shoulders on which to carry my burdens, so why now?
Is it because it is May???  I always have a hard time around Robin's birthday (which will be on Saturday) and on Mother's Day, but this started in April.
So I am just trying to move on.
I am just trying to put my nose to the grind and keep on keeping on.
I am trying to surround myself with fun, happy things and keep my thoughts positive.
I am trying to stay home more.
I am trying to humble myself more.
I am trying to clean more.
Will it work?  I don't know.
I just know I need to get out of this funk.

A LOT of laughs and a LITTLE less hair!

A couple of funny incidents have happened around here lately that I think I would be a bad person if I didn't record them somewhere!  For any of you who know my 4 year old son, Dustin, you will understand this first one completely!
DUSTIN:  (climbing into the van) Mom, why is there a rock in the van?
MEGAN: (wondering out of all of the things that are on the floor in the van how Dustin could have possibly noticed a rock) To make little boys ask questions.
DUSTIN:  (Stares at Megan)
MEGAN:  Did it work?
DUSTIN: (A light turns on in his little genious head) YES!!!  I DID ask questions!!!  (Turning to Caroline) Caroline, let's go put this rock out and then little boys will come up to us and ask questions!!!
MEGAN:  (Can't even pull out of the driveway because she is lauging so hard!)

Classic Dustin!

The second event wasn't so funny for me, but I back onto a street and so when I BBQ people can definitely see me.  Some of my friends even honk as they drive by!  Tuesday was a beautiful day, and the forecast for the rest of the week wasn't supposed to be as nice.  I have been really sick for about a week and so I thought that it might be a nice treat if we broke out the BBQ and had homemade (from scratch) hamburgers for dinner.  Otto was at cello lessons with Abby, so it was all up to me.  I usually do the BBQing anyways, so it was nothing new.  I turned on the propane and thought it was a bit weird that I could actually hear it.  I flicked the lighter and BOOM!  A fireball launched at my face.  Caroline couldn't stop laughing at me because of the look on my face.  I immediately thought "Oh no!  My hair!!" and ran inside.  Well, for those of you who don't know, when you get a fireball thrown at your face, your hair instantly shrivels up and it looks like you have a bag of sawdust thrown on your head.  Yep!  I know that from experience now!  I have a spot in the front and center of my head where it now looks as though I took clippers and buzzed part of my hair off.  I am currently researching the latest hair trends to see if there is a trendy way for me to cover up that spot seeing as I just spent a lot of money getting my hair cut and dyed.
So yes, that was funny!  And yes, we will be getting a new BBQ this spring seeing as this one is now fried just like my hair!

I'm at a loss for people who have suffered a loss

Growing up, I have been surrounded by people who are amazing at helping others when they need it.  My mother is the most incredible person in a crisis.  She can keep a level head and look at things very logically.  My mom is a very busy woman, and she likes it that way.  The greatest thing about her, though, is that she will drop everything that she has going on if someone in her family needs help.  She is amazing and she has helped me through some really tough times!
My Grandmother is another example of someone who is amazing at service.  Growing up I would always end up accompanying her to visit someone in the hospital, someone who is sick or just someone that she was thinking about and decided to take a meal to, just because.  Whenever someone would have something happen in their lives, instead of saying "If you need anything, just let me know", she would simply do things.  She would take their laundry and do it for them, or clean their house, or show up randomly with food, or take them to run errands.
These amazing women have taught me so much about service, and because I am such a loyal person, if someone that I really care about needs something, I am always there.  I make sure that I help my family and friends whenever I can because it is my way of showing them I love them.
Right now I am having a bit of a hard time.  There is a person in my church whom I have always admired and her mother has just passed away suddenly.  I have never been in a position where someone who I don't know really well, but still care about has needed help.  What do I do?  What do YOU do???  Do I offer the simple non-commital phrase of "If you need anything, just let me know."?  Do I bring her a meal?  Right now I am baking her a bunch of snacks and quick foods to have on hand as her family comes and stays with her, but is there anything else that I can do?  I tried calling her this morning, but she is having a really hard time and couldn't really talk.  What would YOU do???
I would love some ideas because I am truly at a loss here.

That Mom!

I am THAT MOM!
I am THAT MOM who believes that childhood should be wonderful and magical. 
I am THAT MOM who believes that teaching children to believe in fairy tales is not wrong.
I am THAT MOM who believes that a child SHOULD believe in Santa Clause as long as possible.
I am THAT MOM who believes I should have the right to talk about the Birds and the Bees on my own terms and not have that decision made by anyone else.
I am THAT MOM who believes that children need responsibility in order to feel a sense of accomplishment.
I am THAT MOM who volunteers for almost everything that my children are involved in.
I am THAT MOM who pushes my children to stand up for what they believe in.
I am THAT MOM who will stand up for my children, no matter what the cost.
I am THAT MOM who teaches her children that everyone has the right to believe in whichever religion they choose, even themeselves!
I am THAT MOM who believes that talking trains and animals are a big part of being a child.
I am THAT MOM who believes that the TOOTHFAIRY is the smartest and most generous fairy that the children know.
I am THAT MOM who encourages her children to keep believing that life is a Musical and that Music can cure all ailments of the heart, mind and soul.
I am THAT MOM who sends her daughters to school competely dressed from head to toe in Princess crowns, curls, glitter, dresses, and matching shoes when it is Princess day at school.
I am THAT MOM who does whatever it takes to make her kids coordinate their costumes to their hearts' desire on Halloween.
I am THAT MOM who makes every birthday a big deal.
I am THAT MOM who spends hours working on major school projects with her kids so that they can be proud of what they have come up with.
I am THAT MOM who believes that it is worth the money to create and preserve memories made together.
I am THAT MOM who pushes her children to become better at whatever they are doing.
I am THAT MOM who buys raspberry gingerale when her babies are sick or have sore tummies.
I am THAT MOM who will sit in the hospital waiting room for hours waiting to see a doctor for her children.
I am THAT MOM who will NOT leave her hospitalized child's bedside if they are sick in the hospital.
I am THAT MOM who believes that fabulous teachers make all the difference in her children's education.
I am THAT MOM who make sure that her children see the consequences (good and bad) when making a big decision.
I am THAT MOM who teaches her children to serve others by serving others herself.
I am THAT MOM who believes that her children's faith can get them through any trial.
I am THAT MOM who is tired of people judging her for being THAT MOM. 
Because I am not THAT MOM who is naiive enough to think that everyone agrees with me on everything that I teach and do with my children I hope that other people respect me enough to let me just be the only kind of mom I know how to be.
THAT MOM

Life Changing Moments

Have you ever thought about those moments that change your life?  You know the big ones like turning 16, your graduation from High School. moving out, getting married, having kids, but I think that there are a bunch of small decisions that are also life changing.  This week has been a fabulous one because I got to witness one of those moments for my Mother in Law and I made one for myself.
My Mother in Law is generally quite a pleasant person.  She seems to just bob around life and make the best of her situation.  I rarely hear her complain, and she is always wanting to give people stuff.  This year, I made it a goal to help her clean out her house and in the process I have been able to get to know her better.  She is very social and she loves people and she especially loves her son!  One of the things that I have always wished for my Mother in Law is for her to be able to create some fabulous memories.  She doesn't get to travel very much and she lives in a small town where a lot doesn't happen, so I sometimes think that she misses out on things.
Then everything changed. . .
My mother in law got to run the Olympic Torch.  She wasn't planning on entering the draw, but she got invited and so she did so.  She was chosen to run the torch on Monday morning and that changed everything.  All of a sudden there was a sparkle in her eyes as she talked about things to get ready to run the torch.  She loved talking to the organizers of the run and she would give us every detail about what she had to do and where she had to go and what she had to wear.  My Mother in Law even saved up to buy the torch so that she could have it once the run was over.
So, the morning of the torch run was upon us and all of her children and their families came down to watch her receive the olympic flame.  Because she ran it in a small town, there weren't that many people parked out along the route.  However, she just happened to receive the flame in an intersection that was in between two elementary schools, so there were TONS of children and their teachers on the street.  They had all made some awesome signs and carried flags and were dressed in Red.  When my Mother-in-Law stepped off of the bus, she was so excited and seeing all of those people got her even more excited!  It has been a long time since I have seen a smile like that on her face.  I just couldn't stop taking pictures of her.  Because the streets weren't very crowded, I was able to run ahead of her and get TONS of pictures for her.  I hope that she will have enough pictures to really be able to remember this moment that changed her life.  I know that running the torch was one of the major highlights of her life and that she will be talking about it for years to come.  I am so glad that I got to be part of that moment.
The life changing decision that I had for myself happened the last day in Mexico.  I went there with my mom because she won the trip as a reward for her sales for a company called Heritage Makers.  The trip was so much fun and so relaxing.  I LOVED being there with just my mom because we like to do the same kinds of things.  We were in no rush to cater to anyone else and we spent most of our time just reading books on the beach. . . . .that's a REAL vacation!!!  Because of some conversations with some people that I had at the convention, I decided that becoming a Heritage Makers consultant would be the right thing for me to do.  Heritage Makers is an internet based company that helps you to create books, calendars, home decor, decks of cards, etc to preserve your memories.  One of the things that I love about it is that you don't have to buy software and download it to your computer in order to use it. . . . you just have to have access to the internet so it doesn't take up any space on your hard drive.  I also love how easy it is to use, and I love the projects that I can create with the program. I have created tons of projects with the company over the 20 months that I have had a membership, and I always talk to people about the program, so I truly believe that this is the next logical step for me.  I talked it over with the Big Guy and he encouraged me to do this.  I am really excited to begin and I can't wait for things to get rolling.  My biggest struggle will be to set up appointments for workshops.   I am going to have to start off asking for my friends' help with this, but after a while I know that things will take off on their own.  I have actually been selling Heritage Makers for my mom's store for almost 18 months and I always love watching people get excited about the program and seeing the beautiful books and projects that they can create using this fabulous software.  I always leave my classes excited for my students and inspired to create more projects using this program.  Soooo. . . . . to all of my friends. . . . . if you want to see what this program is about, let me know!  If you host a workshop you can get a bunch of free things to get you introduced to the program, and who knows. . . . you may just fall in love with the program too. 

Commitment

Every year for the past 11 years, I have sung in a church chorus that performs Handel's Messiah.  This is something that I have always enjoyed doing.  I always leave rehearsals feeling uplifted and happy because I have been able to do something that I love doing for 3 hours.
Last night was the last performance of the Messiah, and I skipped it.  I debated whether or not I should go all day long, and I didn't choose to skip the last performance on a whim.  I thought about it long and hard.  One of the very reasons I decided to stay home with my family was because of something my conductor has said over and over again.  Every year he gives us a lecture on commitment and he always talks about making sure you prioritize your commitments and always do your best to keep them.  What he didn't understand is that some of us really took that to heart and I have decided that being with my family, and spending time with them is the most important commitment. . . .especially on a Sunday.
Last week was extremely busy and this week will be even more so.  I will not be at home any evening this week and I will also be gone most afternoons as well.  I have 4 - 5 things scheduled each day that have to be done and when I looked at my calendar last night I realized that my family won't have some quality time together at all this week.  I felt sad and then I really felt as though I should stay at home with them last night and we should do something as a family.
So, we did.  We had a great dinner and then after the kids were done the dishes, we all got into our pj's and watched Star Trek as a family and had some treats.  It was nothing special, but it was at least time together as a family.  We haven't had an evening where we are all home at the same time in about 3 weeks.  We really needed it and it was so much fun to cuddle with my three younger kids during the movie.
I am sure that my conductor was not impressed that I wasn't there last night, but I was keeping my biggest commitment of all. . . . the one I made to my family 11 years ago.

Busy Bee

I know I haven't posted in awhile.  I know that with it being so close to after Halloween that I should follow suit and do a post-halloween blog post.  I'm just not feeling it though.  Don't get me wrong, Halloween was great and my kids all dressed up in the Wizard of Oz theme, and the weekend was CRAZY busy.  But I think that the busyness (sp?) is what got me thinking the most.
Are any of you out there like me?  Here's what I mean.  I have found that I am most happy when I am busy.  I always need SOMETHING to do or else I feel like doing NOTHING.  People look at me with my 5 kids and my piano teaching and catering company and digital scrapbooking teaching, and they ask me how I do it.  The answer seems pretty simple to me.  I HAVE to do it!  If I want to be motivated to clean my house, I have to invite people over to it.  If I want some motivation to make a really elegant dinner, I invite people over to eat it.  I do not have the self-dicipline or motivation to just randomly get up and do things.  Now, am I weird over here or is there someone else in this big wide world like me?
I think the reason that I like to be so busy is because I like to have a purpose.  I have to feel needed and I love to help others.  I think that's why I love to teach piano and digital scrapbooking.  I feel as though I am helping those who don't know as much about those things as I do.  And I feel so proud of my students at our recitals when they can play their pieces.  I love watching them progress.  When I cater I feel as though I am helping other people with their food.  My most favorite events to cater are weddings because I can make the food so elegant and beautiful and it is such a happy time in the life of the family that I am doing the food for.
So, for those of you who don't get it I know I sound crazy, but I just love to be busy.  Speaking of that, I had better go. . . . I have a thousand things that need to get done!

A Letter

Before you read this letter that I am just writing to an imaginary lady, I want to first let you know that I do not mean to offend anyone.  I know that different opportunities are available to different people.  I just need to vent because I am tired of getting one of "those looks".

Dear 38 year old mother of one,
  I wanted to thank you, so much, for the wonderful comment you made today about the fact that I have so many children.  I really appreciated the follow up with the eye roll and the huge sigh.  That really made me feel as though you were trying to help me.  I just wanted to let you know, that despite what you may believe, I am not crazy and I do not need help. 
  Let me ask you this;  how many times did your child poop today?  What was that?  3?  Congratulations!  You should get the award for mom of the year.  Huh?  How many times did my child poop today?  Which child?  Oh, the baby?  Ummm. . . well. . . do babies poop?  I am sure that they do, but I have no clue.  I didn't change all of his diapers today.  Who did?  Well, I am sure that my husband changed a few, and I KNOW that my 9 year old pitched in and help change one.  Yep, you heard right.  My NINE year old changed a diaper.  You think that's terrible?  Did I mention that she can do the dishes and make a simple dinner too?
  Yeah, I know that you think that my children should be taken away because they have to help out.  I know that you think that I am a terrible wife because my husband helps out with EVERYTHING.  Did you know, that if anything were to happen to me that my family could still function?  My Caroline has been able to make a caesar salad since she was 3.  It is her favorite thing to do.
  Believe me, I KNOW that children are expensive.  I have to pay for school fees x 4.  I shell out over $300/month just to have 3 of them in music lessons.  I'll bet I would surprise you though with the amount that I spend on groceries. . . . I'll bet its not much more than you do.  It just takes planning.  I KNOW that children are a lot of work.  I have 5 of them!  Every day, I get to read and sign 4 agendas.  I  get to do laundry for 7 people.  I get to cook for 7 people.  I get to make everyone help me clean up for 7 people.  What's that?  Yes, my children have to clean.  No, I am not a slave driver, but neither am I their slave.  I am the mother and that makes it my responsibility to teach my children how to be responsible for themselves.  Yes, my kitchen cupboards would be more organized if I always put away the dishes, my beds would always be made and have hospital corners in the sheets, my windows and walls would be fingerprint free, and I would never have piles of laundry in my laundry room, but I would be a basket case and miss out on so many fun times with my children if I spent all of my time cleaning up after ALL of them  ALL of the time!
  Please stop judging me because I have so many children at such a young age.  I DO know what caused it, and no, I am NOT having any more.  Why?  Because I feel as though all of my children are here.  I know that all of the outfits that my children wear are not designer outfits.  I know that at least 80% of what they wear are hand-me-downs.  I know that you see my life as crazy and hectic and you think I am insane for having this many children.  I know that you see me as irresponsible for having this many children. 
  Let me ask YOU something.  Which one should I give away???  Should I give away my Abby?  She can be bossy, but she is my rock!  She LOVES to help out whenever she can and she is generally a good kid and very easy to get along with.  Should I give away my Anne?  She can be so materialistic, but she has a heart of gold.  She is sensative and she goes out of her way to make sure that everyone is included in everything.  What's that?  Caroline???  You mean my monkey???  Nope!  Even with all of the struggles we have with her disability and her stubbornness, no one and I mean NO ONE makes me laugh more than this cheeky kid!!!  You won't get me to give up Dustin with his incredible brain and his crazy sense of curiosity.  And Lee, my baby is mine forever.  His kisses are worth more than gold to me.
  So, lady, when you see me walking down the street with my children, please don't feel sorry for me.  Don't tell me how crazy I must be to have so many children.  NONE of them were accidents.  You get excited when your child has a mildstone.  You called all your friends when your baby first smiled, laughed, cut their first tooth, sat up by themselves, crawled, walked, went to preschool, started kindergarten etc.  I get to experience that 5 times.  I get to be excited and relive each milestone 5 times.  I get to attend more school concerts, piano and cello recitals, basketball games, and church activities than you will get to.  So maybe instead of thinking "poor girl" a better thing to think would be "lucky girl".  I am not sad about the life I have CHOSEN.  I am very happy with it.  The only thing that would be the icing on the cake would be if you could not stare at me with sympathy in your eyes.
Thanks again for your advice and help,
Megan

One of those days

Have you ever just had one of those days? You know the ones I am talking about right? The ones where no matter where you are something goes wrong, or no matter what you say it is the wrong thing and everything you touch breaks??? Yeah, I have had one of THOSE days today! At first I was getting frustrated because everything was doing the opposite of what I wanted it to do, but then I started to wonder. . . . how much of this very bad day is actually bad and how much of it is my own attitude?
So, I began to pay attention and make myself not get frustrated but laugh instead, and I found the answer to my little question. The answer was that it was just one of those cosmic bad days. Things were happening to me that I just had no control over and things kept going wrong, and I just kept laughing. I even taught a class tonight at my mom's store and afterwards things just kept going wrong and the other employee at the store and I just kept laughing. I mean, what else could we do? We weren't causing the problems, they were just happening and we just had to endure them. So, after a crazy, bizarre and frustrating day followed by a laughing evening I am exhausted.
Hopefully tomorrow there will be sun!

What?!?!?! I'm NOT immortal???

I don't know what it was about yesterday. . . .maybe it finally hit me that I am 30 and now supposed to be a grown-up, maybe its this stupid ankle thing that is bothering me, maybe its the fact that I have a friend whose brother died suddenly at the age of 42, maybe its the fact that my grandpa just had surgery on his back and is STILL in the hospital. . . I don't know, but for some reason my mortality really hit me like a ton of bricks.
I started thinking of what would happen if I died tomorrow? (not in a suicidal way) Would I have regrets? Would my family hurt financially? Do I have a will? Do I have enough life insurance? Would Otto have to go into debt just to bury me?
Like I said, I don't know why I started thinking about that, but I believe that it was a good day to reflect. I know the answers to all of these questions and it has made me think that maybe I need to do a little organizing because I don't think that everything would go smoothly if I were to suddenly pass away. I do have life insurance, but I couldn't tell you how much or where the documents are. I don't have any regrets, however there is still a ton of stuff that I still want to do. Do I tell my children I love them enough? I hope so. I hope that one day (hopefully 60 years from now) when I do pass away, my children will always know how much I love them. I hope that I will have filled their lives with wonderful memories that they can cherish. I hope that I will have family and friends who will think of funny moments that we have shared together and that there will be a big party and everyone can hang out and relax after my funeral.
What it really boils down to is something that has been important to me for a long time and it is this:
I hope that my life will have mattered. I hope that in some small way I have made a difference in the world and that the world was a better place because I was in it. I hope that when I do get to the other side that my ancestors will be proud to claim me as their family member and that I leave a posterity who are successful and strong people. I hope that my belief in my religion will be passed onto my children and their children so that they can have hope and happiness when I am gone and I hope that when I see my little Robin again that I can cherish the fact that we will be together again.
So until someone finds a way for me to be immortal, I will just have to try and live this life to the fullest and make sure that my affairs are in order. . . just in case!

Smile, Its an Attitude

This is what my cousin, Michelle wrote on my facebook page in response to my status one day. Its amazing how sometimes a person can say just the right thing to you at just the right moment. When I read "Smile its an attitude" I realized that I am probably seen as a grumpy person. I do like to complain a lot and when people tell me their problems, I don't tell them to look on the bright side of things, I help them vent until they feel they can tackle the problem themselves.
This doesn't mean that I am not a happy person, but I guess that I just don't show my happiness enough. So, my new goal is to actually smile. I'm going to try harder to show people that I am happy and to show them how much I love them. It is my new found weakness that I am going to try and make my strength. . . I will admit that it may take a while, but I will sure have fun trying :)

When God Closes a Door. . .

. . . He always opens a window. At least that's how the saying goes. However, at my friend Annette's condo, when someone closes a door, people seem to forget how to open it again. But no worries! Someone has taken it into their own hands to remind others how to open it. They have written on the door. "Turn the handle and push to open." I laughed so hard when I saw this sign and I wished that I had brought along my camera to take a picture of it. Needless to say, I will be taking that picture tonight when I see her. I will even post it on here for you to all get a good laugh.
Sometimes one just needs to see a funny sign!

New Blog

Hey there everyone. So because I am training for this silly race in August, I have decided to start another blog that records my thoughts, progress and obstacles. Please feel free to check it out and make comments/laugh at me!
You can find it at mcomin.blogspot.com .
Leave me a message so I know that you stopped by!