I have a secret . . .

I have a secret that few people know
I have a secret about tomorrow.
I have a secret that was sent from above
A dear little angel that I will always love.

I have a secret, you can see in my eyes,
I have a secret when I hear baby cries.
I have a secret that my husband and I share
When I look all around me, I see her everywhere.

I hold this secret in a locket on my neck
I would much rather hold her, but I'll take what I can get.
Tomorrow she would have been one year, you see
Instead she is buried under the shade of a tree.

So my little secret is here in my heart
My little girl whom I have loved from the start.
Born sleeping, and yet her spirit lives on
I'll miss her yet cherish her until I am gone

And then once more together we will be
Just two little spots in our eternal family
And all of this heartache and sadness I now feel
Will all disappear and not even seem real.

So for now with a few my secret I'll share
About my dear little Robin, my angel up there.
Although she won't get to grow up in this land
I know that one day we'll walk hand in hand.

Sorry about the poem. I sometimes write them when I am feeling a little bit emotional. Tomorrow is the one year anniversary of what SHOULD have been Robin's birthday. These anniversaries seem to make me a little bit sad and the remind me of how much I miss my sweet little angel. I think that today was really hard on me because as I headed over to my Aunt Judi and Uncle Garry's house tonight to go see my cousin and his wife who are visiting from the States, I stopped by the cemetary. I needed to just see my little Robin's plaque that was there. It was really hard on me to see that someone had removed it. I know that it was a bit broken and it wasn't all beautiful, but it was the only marker I had to show that my little girl was ever even born. I didn't think that it would affect me this much, but it was kind of sad to think that after I am gone that people won't really ever think about my little angel. She will end up being my little secret until I can afford to get her a headstone. . . maybe I will be able to get her one at Christmas. We'll see. If you happen to go and visit my Nana's grave; if you could just quickly remember that my little Robin's body rests under her headstone (even if it is just a fleeting thought), I would love that. I miss my little girl so much sometimes, and I can't wait until I can see her again.
(Sorry about the emotional post. Thanks for reading it. You are good friends for reading the whole thing . . . especially the poem!)

As I get ready

As I get ready to go to the cabin on Friday, there are lots of things that need to get done. However, I seem to keep procrastinating doing them. Maybe it's because they aren't fun or easy to do with 5 children (that's the excuse that I am giving myself anyways). However, I think that it's more likely because I would rather be digitally scrapbooking. You see, I am now one of the teachers for digital scrapbooking at one of my mom's stores. I taught my first class on Monday and WOW did I love it! I really do love digitally scrapbooking for so many reasons, but it was really fun to share that with other people and get them excited to scrapbook digitally also. After leaving my class that night my brain was full with so many ideas as to how I could improve that class. I also had so many ideas of projects that I want to complete. It was great and I haven't been able to sleep ever since because all I keep thinking about is how to complete all of these projects. So while the grocery shopping and laundry loom over my head, I think that for today I will simply work on my scrapbooking while my laundry machines do their thing, and save the grocery shopping for another day.

Cabin Pics

That's my big wakeboarder! I am so proud of her for trying to wakeboard! We are having a little competition between the two of them and they are competing for a prize. . . . so far it's working!!!
It always pleases me when I see a perfectly cooked marshmallow! Way to go Dayln!!!

Fun. Fire. Family. What more could you ask for???

It's so nice to be able to hang out with your family in the evenings after all of the watersports are done.

Cool fire hey??? I bought something that makes the fire change color from the dollar store, and it worked great!!!

Abby is a little waterbug! Just like I was when I was her age.

Uncle Jason is always fun to have around. There is never a dull moment when he is there!

Suzanne tried to save Jason from getting a sunburn, but I think that she was a little too late.

Abby loves to wakeboard, but she cries every time she tries. It is actually pretty fun to watch!

Anne tried wakeboarding for the first time this year. She did awesome!!! She got up, but she was too scared to actually stand. . . we will work on that the next time we go out there.

This picture pretty much sums up Lee's personality. He is just this huge, happy baby!

I thought that this picture was HILARIOUS!! It looks as though Treyden is pulling on Lee's ear and Lee is reacting. . . but Trey's hand actually isn't even close to Lee's ear and Lee was just talking. These two are going to have fun growing up together!

Catching fishies is one of our favorite things to do at the cabin.

Anne doesn't like water in her face, and so she has as many floatation devices as she can possibly find so that her face doesn't get wet.

Caroline is also such a waterbug!

We love tube rides!!

I think that we were going a bit fast on this one!

Ha ha ha ha Jenna and I were playing Rook against Dayln and Amanda and Dayln started the round with a really weird card. When Jenna, Amanda and I questioned it he told us that if we could see his hand then we would understand why he lead with that card. So we decided that he should take a picture of it instead so that it would forever live on.

Cute family hey?

I snuck in a turn holding Trey when nobody was looking!

So now you can see why the cabin is my most favorite places on earth. The scenery is beautiful. It is only a 5 hour drive away (most of the time). I get to be there with my family. It is completely secluded. And we always have so much fun hanging out there together.

How do I find the words?

I can't sleep. A conversation that I had today with one of my very best friends still haunts me. I was devastated when I found out that my dear, sweet friend suffered a miscarriage while I was away at the cabin. My heart broke. How could this happen to her? This just doesn't seem right! All I could manage to say over the phone was "I am so sorry", repeated over and over again. The right words seemed to elude me. I felt as though the wind was knocked out of me. This wasn't my baby, but it was the next worst thing. What should I have said? This has been what has been keeping me awake all night. This is why I can't sleep.
THIS IS WHAT I SHOULD HAVE SAID!!!!

My beautiful girl. I love you. You are one of my very best friends. A friendship like ours is the kind that people write about in books. We have only known each other for about 6 years now, but to me it seems as though we have known each other forever. We are very similar in many ways, and yet we are so different in so many other ways. However, our differences have always seemed to make life more fun!
Our friendship started through a nightly workout group, but I know that it will last forever. We have been through so much together. We have laughed together, planned events together, served together, baked together, learned together, cried together and so much more. We have survived through many trials together. We were together the night your brother was killed in the accident. We were together when BRIDEZILLA went bizerk and tried to ban us from the wedding. You were one of the first people I called when Robin was born. When we had our little boys four months apart we took turns sneaking frosties into the hospital for each other. You are probably the ONLY person in the whole world who could make me eat (and actually like) a cheesecake made with Jell-O products, Cool whip and cherry pie filling (many others have tried and failed miserably). We have done moving days together, planned temple trips together, renovated crappy basement suites together, developed basements together. We have experienced some of our highest highs together and some of our lowest lows together. We have had TONS of fun doing Girl's Nights. We have dished about our families to each other (all good things of course), gossiped together, told each other our little secrets.
We can get busy with our lives and not have the chance to talk to each other for months, but as soon as we do it seems as though we just pick up where we left off and it is so easy and comfortable. We can completely be ourselves around each other. We can tell each other how it is without offending each other. We can poke fun of each other's little quirks and laugh about them together. We know that we can call each other whenever we need help and it will be there with not hesitation or questions asked.
My dear friend, I am so sorry I wasn't around when your miscarriage happened. When I got off the phone with you tonight, I just cried. We have already shared the bond of both delivering stillborn babies, and I am devastated that you have had to go through all of that again with this miscarriage. You are one of the most wonderful people I have ever known. You have a strength that I can only marvel at. You are one of the most incredibly talented people that I have ever come across. I love your levelheadedness. I love how you can go from farmgirl to fashionista in the blink of an eye. I love your compassion that you have for others. I miss you when we don`t see each other for long periods of time. I love watching you mother your son. I love how you pretend to get all strict with him, but all the while you and I and your husband and your son all know what a great big softy you are.
I want you to know that if I could take this away from you, I would. I wish that you didn`t have to endure this trial. I wish that somehow I could carry this burden for you. I know that you have a husband who feels the same way. I know that you have a wonderful mother who is a rock for you and who loves you more than anything else in this world. I know that you have 2 sisters who look up to you as an example in so many ways (even if they don`t always know that themselves). I am quite sure that your brother is up in Heaven taking care of your two little angels and telling them all about you (and maybe causing a little mischief along the way).
I am also sure that there really are no correct words that I can say that will make all of this go away. I know that nothing that I can do will make this whole thing better for you, so I want you to know this. I love you. I simply adore you. You know that you can always talk about anything with me and it is never awkward. We have done this before (only our roles were reversed) and I hope we never have to do it again, but I am here for you. I want you to read this post and think of it as me wrapping my arms around you and giving you a great big hug and just crying with you for awhile. Our friendship is strong. Our lives will forever be intertwined. I know that we will continue to help each other through the tough times, like this and that we will also always be able to have fun together as though we have no care in the world.
Again, I love you.
This is what I should have said.

What's Up you ask???

Well, I know that I haven't really been writing anything since I have been home from the cabin. What have I been up to you are asking to yourselves???? Well, a whole lot of NOT MUCH. Lee hasn't been sleeping at night time, so I have been taking it pretty easy in the day time. The only time I have even left the house was last night to go to my mom's class on Heritage Makers (digital scrapbooking). I am going to be teaching this class at one of my mom's stores so I went to go see how she wants me to teach it. I am very excited to be teaching this class, and I can't wait until Monday when I get to do my first class. I LOVE Heritage Makers, and I have completed 2 projects in it and a couple of templates and I LOVE using their stuff!!!!
Anywho, that's about it for me. A whole lot of nothing. . . . that about sums up my days right now. . . . and I am taking FULL advantage of every minute of it!!!

Perspective

First of all, let me start off this entry by saying that I had a blast at the cabin!! I had so much fun spending time with my family and I LOVED seeing my new nephew for an ENTIRE week!!! I am going to miss being with everyone, but I am grateful that I got to be with my family for a short time. . . .
Now let me tell you about our trip home. . .
The drive to our cabin consists of a 5 hour car ride followed by a 15 - 20 minute boat ride across the lake. This isn't too bad and it is always exciting when we get to ride the boat. Well our ride home was DEFINITELY an adventure for not only my little family, but my parents, Kristin and Amanda and her family, as well. We started off by leaving the cabin earlier than we had originally wanted to because the weather was rainy and yucky. We loaded all of our stuff into the boat and all 13 of us (including an infant and a baby) made our way across the lake. Because it was so rainy we had decided to load our luggage into the front of the boat and cover it, and put all of the people in the back of the boat. Well, the boat wouldn't plane, so Otto (being the heaviest) decided to go up to the front of the boat and lay across all of the luggage so he ended up being higher than the boat. This did work and the boat did plane, but I was furious because there were some pretty big waves and we were bouncing around A LOT and my dad wasn't slowing down and Otto wasn't wearing a life jacket and so I was soooooo scared that I would become a widow. Well, finally Otto decided that it was too bumpy and so he finally came off of the bow of the boat. THANK GOODNESS!!!
Once we got to the marina, we loaded up our vehicles and started on our way home. It's pretty easy to get home from Sicamous because all you do is get on the Trans Canada Highway and drive home. We got into our car at about 1:45 and so Otto and I thought that we would be home by 7 pm. I had some sandwiches and a bunch of fruit and snacks in the car so we knew that we could feed the children snacks and sandwiches and then they would be good until we got home and we would have a late dinner. We also had just enough formula for Lee to have his one bottle and be good until we got home and we had just enough gas to get us home. All in all it would be a good drive.
Well, we had a bit of a hard time getting onto the highway from Sicamous, but we finally got on but traffic was INCHING down the highway. That was okay because the kids were good and we figured that it was just a semi or something that was driving slow. It was kind of rainy anyways so we didn't mind it too much that we had to go slow. We were basically stopped for a long time and we just kept on inching down the highway. I was reading a book that my dad lent to me and so I didn't really notice where we were. And then we FINALLY got to 3 Valley Gap. . . . 2 hours later!!! For those of you who don't know, 3 Valley Gap is about 1/2 an hour away from Sicamous and it had taken us 2 HOURS!!! We were still inching along but we FINALLY reached the cause of the traffic problem. It was a semi truck which had basically run into the mountain. We could see people starting to unload the back of the truck and we could see that the cab of the truck had disconnected from the trailer and there were pieces of the cab scattered all along the mountain until we saw the cab which was COMPLETELY demolished!!! I don't think that the driver survived that accident. . . and if he did and he had a passenger, they DEFINITELY didn't survive it!!!
After we got past the accident we were finally able to start going. We decided that because it was now 4:30 and Revelstoke was coming up that we would stop and feed the kids at McDonalds. I am glad that we did! They were much happier and it was a nice break. After we were all fed and had a potty break, we started driving again and about 2 minutes outside of Revelstoke we saw a bear that was lying on the road. He looked to be about 2 or 3 years old and we felt bad that a bear had been hit, but then the bear started to move and it was really traumatic because he had obviously been clipped in the behind and he was still alive and trying to crawl to the side of the road. I started freaking out because there was no other vehicle in sight. So I called the local police and reported the bear because it must have just happened and the bear was STILL ALIVE!!! Who does that???? Who hits a BEAR and then just drives off???? My parents and sisters said that by the time they drove by it the bear was dead. I felt grateful for that but I was still really shaken up because of the fact that I knew that the bear didn't die instantly.
I finally calmed down when we got to Golden. We stopped and got a bit of gas (our funds were low because of some cheques that had gone through without our knowledge) and had a quick potty break again and then started on our way home. I was pretty much calm and now it was about 6 pm. The kids were happy and still full from dinner and so I was happy about that. So, we headed home and then we saw another lineup of cars just outside of Field. We were in a spot where we could see for a ways and we couldn't see a lineup on the other side of Field, so we were optimistic that we would be able to get through this traffic jam without to much waiting. Well we sat there and people just kept on turning around and waving for us to all turn around. We didn't know what was going on, so we decided that Otto would jump out of the car and walk up the highway for a bit and see if he could find out what was happening. He just disappeared. While I was waiting for him, I noticed that a Lexus had turned around and it was my mom! I stuck my head out of the window and I saw her pull over. I was so glad, but now I was torn. . .. do I turn around and talk to my mom or do I pull ahead a pick up Otto who had disappeared? I figured that Otto would start walking back when he found out what was going on and my mom obviously knew something, so I turned around and started talking to my family. My parents and my sister, Amanda were all caravaning together so we were all together again. I talked to my mom and she told me that there was a mud slide on the other side of Field and that the road had been shut down. They were going to drive back to Golden because that was what they were told to do. I told them that Otto had gotten out and was walking along the highway and so we all waited for him to come back. We waited about 1/2 an hour and when he didn't show up, my brother-in-law went and picked him up. We all decided that we would drive into Field and stop and go to the bathroom and then maybe we could get some more information there. When we got to Field, it was 8:10pm and I had a 1/4 of a tank of gas. We were told that the road would be open at 9 pm and so we decided to let the kids out and play and have another potty break. We only were going to be waiting for 50 minutes for the road to open so we decided that instead of driving back to Golden and driving through Radium to go home that we would just wait for the road to reopen. It was fun and we all visited and ate my snacks that I had brought and the kids played on the playground. I got to see my nephew again and so that was pretty nice too. At about 8:45 we all got back into our cars and lined up for when the road would reopen. Well, we waited, and waited, and so I got out of my car and went and visited with my parents and Dayln and Amanda. At about 9:30 a lady walked down and told us that they had told her that the EARLIEST that the road would be reopened was in about an hour and a half but that it would probably be longer. My parents, Kristin and Amanda and Dayln had all not eaten dinner and so we had decided that we had chosen poorly. We should have driven back to Golden and gone through Radium. We decided that that was going to be what we were going to do. I was really nervous now because I had less than a 1/4 of a tank of gas and Lee only had his one bottle left. But I needed to keep on going. So we got to Golden and went to the McDonalds so that my parents and sisters could eat. My kids were asleep and Otto and I were full and it was 10 pm and pitch black. My dad helped us out with our little gas problem and he had even called one of his friends who owns Kicking Horse Mountain Lodge in Golden to see if we could all just sleep in Golden. He was able to get two rooms, but no more. My family had come to the consensus that we would take the rooms and just sleep over. I just had the tiny problem of the lack of formula to get Lee through the night and all of the grocery stores were closed. So we decided that we would try and find it at a convenience store. The first one didn't have any, and so we were about to head to the 7-11 when we saw that the road was reopened to get home. We all pulled over and discussed about what we wanted to do. My sister was in a lot of pain because she was still healing from having a baby (such a cute baby), but Otto and I thought it would be best if we just drove home because we only had the one bottle and the kids were still asleep. I don't know for certain, but I think that my parents ended up staying in Golden with Amanda so that they would have someone to drive home with if they needed anything.
We continued on and drove home without any more incidents. We finally pulled into our driveway at 2:15 am. It had taken us more than 12 hours to drive home from the cabin.
Now, there are two ways that this situation could be looked at. Yes it was long, and yes and it was scary. We almost ran out of gas and we almost didn't have enough food for our baby. It was annoying to be inching along the highway and it was the longest drive home from the cabin that I have ever been on. But what if I look at it from another perspective? We had prayed before we left that we would be safe and that everything would work well with our vehicle. Do you think that we got an answer to our prayer? I truly believe we did. If we had left even earlier from the cabin, we might have been a part of the crash that totalled the semi truck. If we hadn't stopped in Revelstoke to feed our kids we might have been the ones to hit the bear. If we hadn't gotten gas in Golden we may have been caught up in the mudslide. And wasn't it amazing that my parents just happened to be stuck on the highway in the exact spot that we were? They had shut down the highway all the way back in Golden and the mudslide had happened 30 minutes before we had gotten there. What are the odds that they were stuck in the exact same spot as us so that we could have the way to refill our tank with gas and we could all be together as a family? In the end we were safe and there were no problems with our cars. I KNOW that this was a direct answer to my prayer. I also know that it wasn't they way that I expected it to be answered, but it turned out well and it was fun to be able to go through this entire adventure with my family. I don't know what I would do without them. This was a drive home that I will NEVER forget!

I'm Off

Well, I'm off to the cabin. I am still nervous about going, but that isn't going to stop me. (Actually it almost has a couple of times, but I have a wonderful husband who has been amazing through this whole thing.) I am excited to see my little nephew and spend the week with him. I am excited to have fun with my brother and his wife and I am sooooo looking forward to seeing my 2 youngest sisters (WOW!! That made them sound really young!!!). We don't have any sort of internet access out there, or phone lines, and even cell phone reception is iffy, so I won't be posting for about 10 days or so. You may not miss my posts, but I sure will miss writing them. There is something that is quite relaxing about being able to write down your thoughts every day. . . good thing I am bringing my journal to the cabin or I just might go crazy!!!
Love you all!! Talk to you soon!!!