A Mother Never Forgets.

Being in a constant state of fogginess right now has made me appreciate a lot of things that I have taken for granted for most of my life.  I am waiting for my blood test results from my doctor to figure out what is going on with me, but until then I just have to try my best to keep on keeping on with this constant cloud of drowsiness, coldness and lack of focus over my head.  I usually have a great memory!  I can multitask like no other.  I can keep track of 5 different schedules all at the same time and not miss a thing.
But now???
Now I can't even remember to get a babysitter so that I can go to my kids' volunteer tea.  I can't even summon up enough energy to walk up or down the stairs.  I can't focus. . . . . I REALLY can't focus!  In fact, I can't even remember what it is I wanted to say about that. . . . sorry!  I'm forgetting everything!  EVERYTHING!
However, there are some things that a mother never forgets.
I didn't forget Anne's birthday party yesterday!  We had a blast!  It was a spy theme.  It was AWESOME!!
I didn't forget that today is my littlest angel's birthday!  My Robin would have been 3.  I haven't forgotten what she looked like, or the hospital room.  It is a clear to me today as it was when I was there.  I haven't forgotten how tiny her little casket was, or how we thought that she was a boy during my pregnancy and called her Bobby.
I haven't forgotten my Angel Baby.
There are some things that a Mother NEVER forgets!

Thanks Otto and Jason

Thanks to my wonderful husband and brother, who have been willing to postpone going out to the cabin for a day, I will have my Big Guy with me on Friday. I know it will make a world of difference. I am still not looking forward to Friday, but at least I know I will be able to get through it!
I love you both!

All jumbled up inside. . .

It is always with mixed emotions that I celebrate Mother's Day. I actually couldn't write this post yesterday because I was afraid of how it would turn out because I was a mess of emotions. It was Mother's Day weekend, two years ago, that I found out that Robin had died. It was two years ago this Mother's Day weekend that I went through the hardest trial of my life! My entire world was changed forever, two years ago and so I always feel a whole mess of emotions on Mother's Day.
After I had Robin I made myself a promise that even though I would always miss my sweet Angel Baby, I would still live for my living children. I promised myself that I wouldn't live in the tragedy that was her birth, but that I would make sure that I didn't put my loss above the wonderful blessings that are my 5 other babies. Even though I still think about Robin almost every single day, I am still able to have joy and happiness in my life. I sincerely hope that my children don't think that I have put her above them, because I have made such an effort to really show all of my children how much I love them.
That is why Mother's Day is so hard for me. It reminds me of the hardest day of my life, but on the other hand, I love that my children celebrate it. Otto made Crepes for breakfast and I got a ton of handmade gifts that the kids did at school and then I got some great Mother's Day gifts (including Bernard Callabaut chocolates) and spent the evening at my parent's house with my extended family. I had fun and it was a good day. I did miss Robin terribly, but I couldn't help by participate in the festivities. It was sooooo much fun!
The only hard part was the fact that I felt just about every emotion that I could feel. It also made me realize that Robin's birthday is coming up on Friday and Otto is going out of town and I don't know if I can get through this on my own. I didn't realize this last week when we all decided when Otto and Jason were going to go out of town to open up the cabin. I don't know how I am going to get through it, but I know that I will have to, and that I will have to do it alone. . . . I just can't wait for this week to be over!

She's Here!

Yesterday morning, my sister-in-law had her beautiful baby girl. I am so excited and relieved that everything went well and that little Brooklynn is here. I hate that I can't see her until she goes home from the hospital, but I am excited to meet the sweet little one. I have to be honest though, I am also a bit scared of how I will react when I see her. I love Jay and Suzanne and I couldn't be more happy for them. I am excited that they have this beautiful baby and that their family is starting to grow. I am excited to have my first niece (I have 10 nephews) and play with her.
However, I have a hard time seeing baby girls ever since I had Robin. I am worried that it will be hard for me to see the two of them with this baby and not think about her, especially since her birthday is in May and that is coming up. One of the reasons that Otto and I are going out of town is to give me something to look forward to because I really do dread May and I especially have a hard time on Mother's Day and on the 15th when Robin was actually born. I just miss her so much sometimes, but I seem to be pretty good at just keeping myself busy so I don't have time to sit and think about her.
I know that Suzanne reads this blog, and I want her to know that I AM sooooo excited to come and meet Brooklynn. I can't wait to hold her and kiss her and tell her how excited I am to have my sweet little niece! I am so excited that my daughters finally have a girl cousin. I am so excited that Jason and Suzanne get to experience the joy/pain/excitement/exhaustion of parenthood and everything that comes with it. However, if for just a moment I go quiet, it will be because I just wish that my little girl was here to be a playmate for Brooklynn and I look forward to holding my sweet little angel in my arms again.
So, Congratulations Jay and Suzanne!!! I can't wait to come over and meet her!

I have a secret . . .

I have a secret that few people know
I have a secret about tomorrow.
I have a secret that was sent from above
A dear little angel that I will always love.

I have a secret, you can see in my eyes,
I have a secret when I hear baby cries.
I have a secret that my husband and I share
When I look all around me, I see her everywhere.

I hold this secret in a locket on my neck
I would much rather hold her, but I'll take what I can get.
Tomorrow she would have been one year, you see
Instead she is buried under the shade of a tree.

So my little secret is here in my heart
My little girl whom I have loved from the start.
Born sleeping, and yet her spirit lives on
I'll miss her yet cherish her until I am gone

And then once more together we will be
Just two little spots in our eternal family
And all of this heartache and sadness I now feel
Will all disappear and not even seem real.

So for now with a few my secret I'll share
About my dear little Robin, my angel up there.
Although she won't get to grow up in this land
I know that one day we'll walk hand in hand.

Sorry about the poem. I sometimes write them when I am feeling a little bit emotional. Tomorrow is the one year anniversary of what SHOULD have been Robin's birthday. These anniversaries seem to make me a little bit sad and the remind me of how much I miss my sweet little angel. I think that today was really hard on me because as I headed over to my Aunt Judi and Uncle Garry's house tonight to go see my cousin and his wife who are visiting from the States, I stopped by the cemetary. I needed to just see my little Robin's plaque that was there. It was really hard on me to see that someone had removed it. I know that it was a bit broken and it wasn't all beautiful, but it was the only marker I had to show that my little girl was ever even born. I didn't think that it would affect me this much, but it was kind of sad to think that after I am gone that people won't really ever think about my little angel. She will end up being my little secret until I can afford to get her a headstone. . . maybe I will be able to get her one at Christmas. We'll see. If you happen to go and visit my Nana's grave; if you could just quickly remember that my little Robin's body rests under her headstone (even if it is just a fleeting thought), I would love that. I miss my little girl so much sometimes, and I can't wait until I can see her again.
(Sorry about the emotional post. Thanks for reading it. You are good friends for reading the whole thing . . . especially the poem!)

It's days like today

You know, it's days like today that make me hold my children a little tighter and notice more of the qualities about them that make me love them. What's so special about today you ask? Yesterday, a little boy named Carson who had lukemia passed away at 2:30 pm. He was 5 years old. But, children die every day, what is different about this one? The difference is that I got to read his story. His mother has been here with him and staying in the Ronald MacDonald house ever since he got transferred here from B.C. when his cancer went out of remission. Today I had planned on going over to the Ronald MacDonald house to make dinner for the families staying there while their children are in the hospital because Carson's family is a member of our church. We were planning on making it a special day for his mother because today is her birthday. Her husband even came out this week and so the whole family was going to be together and be able to have a minute away from the hospital and all of the doctors. And then everything changed. Carson took a turn for the worst, but he passed away peacefully in his mother's arms as she sang "I am a Child of God" which was his favorite song.
Even though this is not my story, this has hit me really hard because it brings back the painful memories of the day that I found out that my baby had died. She never got to live to the age of 5 even, and my story is completely different from this family's. And yet it feels so similar. I know how this mother will feel when her son's birthday comes around every year. I know how she will feel when she sees other children his age playing soccer, or graduating from school. I know how she will feel when she goes on vacation and thinks to herself that it would be even better if her child was there. I know the peace that she can feel if she decides to rely on her testimony and the comfort that the gospel can bring her. I know the peace that she can feel if she turns to the Lord and asks Him to help her through her trial. I know the feeling of complete and utter love that she will probably feel as people tell her how much they love her and her family and how much they wish they could do something.
It has been an emotional day for me as I think about what this mother is going through. No one. . . and I mean NO ONE should EVER have to bury their child. It doesn't feel right. Even though we know that they are happy and at peace, it is the hardest thing that you will ever have to do in your life, and I sincerely wish that no one ever had to go through it. So for today I will spend a little more time basking in the warmth of my newborn's smile, listening to my girls sing as they play with each other, and grab every hug and kiss that is offered to me today from my children and hope that they last forever!

Interesting

Well, I made it. I made it through one of the hardest days of my life. Thanks to all of you, my family and friends for your thoughts and kind words. I know that this whole ordeal would have been much harder without so many people to lean on.
I had alot of tough moments yesterday, but is was so nice to have Otto home so that I could just retreat. We did take the kids and to visit Robin's grave yesterday and it was very peaceful and nice. Here is what I found to be interesting though. As we were walking around looking at the other grave sites (Abby's friend who was killed at Christmastime along with her father are buried close to Robin) we came across a spot where alot of infants and young children are buried. We could tell that babies were buried there because as we looked around the cemetery there were flowers at some of the grave sites and a few mementos here and there, but when we looked in the direction of the "Garden of Angels" it was so colorful and covered in toys. As we looked at the various headstones we realized that there have been so many other families that have gone through or are going through what we are going through. Then we came across this one grave that had an MP3 player on it. Otto was amazed and I told him to look at the birth date of the child to see how old they would be now. Well, the child would have been 13 years old this year, so an MP3 player would probably be quite an appropriate gift to give them. After looking at all of the beautifully decorated grave sites I told Otto that I felt guilty because I didn't have toys or mementos on our baby's grave. In fact she still doesn't have a headstone (which I still feel guilty about but don't have the funds for yet). Otto said something to me that really stuck. He said that we don't need to have tons of presents at our baby's grave site because we don't believe that that is really her buried there. We know that her body is buried there, but we believe that her soul lives on.
This is true. In fact, this belief is what has gotten me through the loss of my sweet baby. And when I think about it, it does explain alot. You see, growing up I have had grandparents and uncles and aunts who have passed away. While we have mourned them, we haven't really stopped by their grave sites annually or even really at all. In fact, when I ask my grandparents and parents where the graves are, they don't know. Some may call this sad, but to me it really speaks to me because we truly do believe that once someone dies that that is not the end. We believe that we will get to see them again after we die, and we believe that it is just their body that is buried in the earth and not their soul.
When I visit the grave site of my sweet little baby, I feel so at peace. She is buried with my Nana (whom I also miss terribly), and so I also visit my Nana when I go there. Words cannot express how grateful I am that I have the hope that I can see the two of them again. I cannot imagine how someone would get through a loss of a loved one without that hope. And even though my daughter's grave is not the one with the most toys, flowers or mementos, hers is definitely one of the ones that is filled with the most love. And even though you can't see it when you go there and visit the grave, you can definitely feel it. . . . and in my opinion that is the best thing you can do to a grave site.

Angelversary

Well, today is the day. No matter what I have done, I haven't been able to stop this day from coming. I tried not sleeping, I tried filling my days with things that needed to be done, I tried not thinking about it, but none of it worked. For some reason today came. One year ago today my world was turned upside down as I delivered my little angel baby. She was born with a little broken body and she was so tiny. I really wish that she could have had a more perfect body, but she had died quite awhile before I noticed and so her body had started to break down.
The only pictures I have been able to look at of her this entire year are the ones of her hands and feet. They were so small and so fragile, and by the time I saw her at the funeral home, her hands and feet and shriveled up and didn't exist any more. I look at the picture of her two precious feet all the time and for some reason they bring me comfort.
I do have a really hard time thinking that my little Robin's tiny body is in the ground. It breaks my heart whenever the weather is bad because I think of her body weathering the elements. That doesn't seem right to me. She is supposed to be at home with me, all warm, cozy and loved. It has been so weird for me this year because no matter what I have been doing or celebrating, it has always felt as though someone is missing. I actually feel as though a piece of my heart isn't with me and that things don't feel complete without her.
I know that my Robin is waiting for me. I know that she is happy, and I hope that she knows how much we love her and miss her. Having her has changed me. There are some things that I used to take for granted that I don't any more. Big milestones in my children's lives mean alot more to me now. I have realized that I have needed my family more than I ever have before.
I appreciate my own mother more. As soon as we found out that Robin had died and was going to be born still, my mom never left my side. She was there basically from the moment I found out on the 11th until I went home from the hospital on the 15th and then right up until we buried Robin. I know that she was grieving too. She bought me several beautiful gifts for both me and Robin. One of which is my special locket which I rarely take off. These gifts mean so much to me, but they don't mean nearly as much as having my mom helping me through this whole experience does. I know that it has strengthened the bond that my mom and I have.
Even though having Robin has blessed me in many ways, on this angelversary I just might not notice the beautiful day we are having. I may not notice the sunshine shining brightly, or the birds singing, or the beautiful flowers as I walk by, because today I miss my little angel baby. Today is the one day that I wish that she was with me more than anything else in the whole world. Today that missing piece of my heart is hurting, and my goal is to just get through today.

Survivor

Yes, I have almost made it through today, and I am not looking forward to tomorrow. I am experiencing alot of anxiety over what may or may not happen tomorrow. It is an anniversary that I am actually not really that excited about because it will be the one year anniversary of the stillbirth of my little Robin. Otto is taking the afternoon off so that we can spend some time together without the kiddies just like we did right after she was born.
I don't really know what to expect for tomorrow, but I am a survivor, and I am sure that I will be able to survive tomorrow too.

Mother's Day

Yesterday was Mother's Day. It was a day that we celebrate motherhood, and I also think that we celebrate womanhood in general on that day. Even though this is the day when I am supposed to feel pampered and appreciated and loved, I had a bit of a hard time. You see, one year ago from yesterday was the day that I found out that Robin had died and that I would have to deliver her. She ended up being born on the 15th because I decided to wait to be induced with her so that I could prepare myself for what was going to happen.
I did prepare myself as best as I could, and even though I have no regrets, nothing could have prepared me for the feeling of burying my sweet little baby. I think about her every day. Usually, I feel at peace and it is just a feeling of something missing. But on a few occasions, the pain of the loss of Robin has been incredibly hard. I miss her so much sometimes and on nights when it is especially miserable outside I cry because my little baby girl's body is buried in the ground and it is cold and miserable out there. I know that it doesn't make a lot of sense, but I have never been a terribly rational person.
Sometimes when I look at Lee I think about the fact that we wouldn't have gotten pregnant with him if we hadn't lost Robin. That, to me, is one of the blessings that I have been able to experience through this whole ordeal. Lee has never been a replacement for Robin, but we did feel as though there was still one more family member waiting to join us. Now that we have Lee, I feel as though all of our family members have been born to us. I feel as though I have fulfilled what I was supposed to fulfill. However, I don't feel complete. I constantly feel as though someone is missing. I don't like taking family photos because I always feel as though it doesn't really represent our family.
Like I said, I am not constantly depressed, but I do miss my little girl. Sometimes when I see little baby girl outfits I get a bit teary, or when people make comments on why Dustin and Lee are so far apart in age, it makes me sad. My girls sometimes burst into tears at the most random moments because they say that they miss their sister. It is so hard for me to console them because I miss her too.
It will always be hard for me to celebrate Mother's Day, I think because it will always remind me of the day that I found out that I lost my sweet little girl. But there is one thing that I know. Even though I have to wait until I die to see my Robin again, I do not love her any less than I would have if I had been able to raise her. She is one of my daughters and she will always be my sweet little angel baby. And one day. . . . yes, one day. . . .

Robin

I miss her.

Feelings

I have a friend from church who has been having problems getting pregnant. She and her husband just tried In Vetro Fertilization in January. We have been talking alot about what she has had to go through just to get pregnant, but she was able to get pregnant and it has been so much fun talking to her about everything. Not being able to get pregnant is not something that I have ever had to worry about. Otto and I have been VERY blessed in that area. Once we decide to get pregnant, it pretty much happens the next day. I was soooo excited for my friend when I heard that she was actually pregnant. She is 38 years old and her husband is 45, so it's not as though they are young and foolish. They have been married for 2 years and basically trying to have a baby the whole time.

On Tuesday evening, I got an email from her saying that she had received news that her baby's heart wasn't beating anymore and so the doctors are waiting for her to have a miscarriage. My heart broke for her. I was devastated that she is now going to have to go through the whole experience of having a miscarriage. It is strange, all of the emotions that hearing her news has brought up for me. I almost feel as though I have lost my Robin all over again. It hasn't been a year yet, and I didn't realize how raw I still am. As soon as I found out about my friend, I told her that I had the perfect book for her. When I had Robin, my mom brought me this book called "Gone Too Soon" and it is taken from talks of the general authorities of our church. This book is completely devoted to saying what the church's position is on miscarried and stillborn babies. It is so wonderful and it gave me alot of comfort and peace when I first had Robin. I took that book over to her last night, along with some tulips. I know that there is really nothing that I can say to my friend at this time that will help her feel better. The truth is that it just plain sucks. It is really painful emotionally to have your baby die whether it was 4 weeks along or 40, it doesn't matter. Once you find out you are pregnant, you are that baby's mommy and you love it, even though it causes you to feel sick all the time and tired all the time and it takes over your body and you get fat, you love that little baby and having it die is the worst feeling in the whole world.

My friend and her husband hadn't really told anyone that they were pregnant because the doctor advised against it until she was after 12 weeks because her chances of miscarrying were higher than normal. I understand why doctors tell patients that, however, one of the biggest things that has always helped me deal with losing Robin is the love and support that I have been able to feel through my family and friends. I know quite a few women who have miscarried and most of them have told me that they wished that they had told someone because it is a painful thing to go through by yourself.

Having a miscarriage or stillborn baby changes you. I feel as though I am a deeper person because of having Robin. I have a greater appreciation for the miracle of birth. I am scared to death every day that something is going to happen to Lee before he is born in 2 weeks. I have a greater appreciation for my faith in my church and the peace and comfort that it gives me. I now understand the pain of losing a child and my heart constantly breaks for the women who have to experience it. I LOVE butterflies. They are the symbol of miscarried and stillborn babies and whenever I see a butterfly or a robin they remind me of my little angel who is waiting for me up in heaven. I know that my friend will get through this trial. She is alot stronger than she thinks she is and I sincerely hope that one day she will be able to have a child, whether through IVF or through adoption and I know that she will never take that child for granted and that it will be her entire life. I just wish that she didn't have to go through this trial to get her own baby. And I do hope that I can hold on for the next two weeks until Lee is born and that everything can go well with his birth.

Much Better

It's Saturday morning and as the busy hussle and bustle of the day begins I decided that I had better sit down and write a quick note after my last post. Otto and I took a quick jaunt down to the temple yesterday, and all I can say is, "Thank goodness for the temple!" I feel more at peace now, and everything doesn't seem so overwhelming. I am still worried about a few things, but I am going to try not to dwell on them. With 4 crazy monkeys at home, it's easy to make myself busy so I don't have time to think.
Thank you for your wonderful comments, I really appreciated them. It was really nice to read some supportive words this morning after being at the temple yesterday.

Sad and Depressing

This entry is going to probably be sad and depressing, so don't read it if you aren't in the mood. I won't be offended! In fact, I will probably not even know. I have been going through a bit of a hard time lately. When Otto and I had our stillborn baby, Robin in May, we were able to get through it. I have no regrets about anything that had to do with her birth and the way we handled her death and her funeral. I have actually felt quite at peace with everything and I am glad that we chose to do things the way that we did.
However, now I seem to be going through a whole mixture of conflicting emotions and I don't know how to deal with it. I think that some of it has to do with the fact that I am pregnant again and we are getting excited to have little baby Lee join our family, and some of it has to do with the fact that it is getting close to Christmas time and I was expecting to have a little baby to fuss over, and most of it has to do with the fact that she was not born alive, so I never got to really be her mommy. These are all hard things for me to face.
When I first had Robin, I wanted to look at all of her things all of the time. Otto and I bought a beautiful white memorial box to keep her things inside of and it was hard for me when I had to put everything inside of that box. I keep pictures of her on my laptop, which I used to look at every day, and my mom bought me a whole bunch of items to help me remember her, which I had all over my old house. I belong to a bunch of online support groups which have helped me because I have been able to talk about Robin as much as I want to other women who are going through the same thing as me. Otto has been really good about everything and has let me talk about things, even though it is hard for him to even hear her name.
Now, however, things have changed. I want to visit my baby's grave, but at the same time, I don't want to go when the rest of my family is with me, which means that I can never go. Every time Otto goes to the gravesite, he cries, and so I put off going because I can't be strong for him right now, but I feel so bad and guilty for not going. It seems to be one of two places where I can be close to my baby, but we haven't been able to buy her a headstone, so the only thing that commemorates this little child that we had is a stick in the ground by my Nana's headstone. That is also really hard for me to look at because I feel that she deserves more than that. I am scared to look in Robin's memorial box because I know that I will burst into tears, and I don't want to cry any more. I have a hard time dealing with the fact that she is really not here. I haven't been able to bring myself to look at all of the pictures that we took of her at the hospital because it reminds me of how broken her body was when she was born and that breaks my heart because as her mother I want everything to always be perfect for my children and that was one big thing that I couldn't give her.
Being pregnant with Lee has been an emotional roller coaster. I am so worried that something is going to happen with him, but at the same time, I am soooo excited that Dustin is going to have a little brother. Right now I am 23 weeks along and when I was this far along with Robin, she had already died, but I didn't know it so I was still oblivious to the fact that she wasn't alive. It brings a lot of feelings of guilt to me because I still believe that I could feel her move. Whenever I feel Lee kicking, I think to myself that this was the exact feeling I had when I was pregnant with Robin, but she wasn't actually doing anything. It is the weirdest feeling I have ever had because I don't know how to deal with that fact.
I love Christmas!!! I am probably the biggest Christmas fanatic that you will ever meet. This year, even though I am totally excited for Christmas to come, I am also dreading it. I miss Robin so much every day. I am really dreading Christmas Eve because she won't get to be baby Jesus in the family nativity pagent, and when I see Mary holding a doll instead of her, I don't think that I will be able to handle it. I really feel as though someone is missing in my family and that is hard for me to deal with right now.
As I mentioned earlier, part of this is probably just me being pregnant and so my hormones are all over the place. I do know that I will get through this, and even though I am having all of these conflicting emotions, I am usually okay. . . . it's just in those quiet moments when I have time to stop and think about things that I don't know what to do.