Sad and Depressing

This entry is going to probably be sad and depressing, so don't read it if you aren't in the mood. I won't be offended! In fact, I will probably not even know. I have been going through a bit of a hard time lately. When Otto and I had our stillborn baby, Robin in May, we were able to get through it. I have no regrets about anything that had to do with her birth and the way we handled her death and her funeral. I have actually felt quite at peace with everything and I am glad that we chose to do things the way that we did.
However, now I seem to be going through a whole mixture of conflicting emotions and I don't know how to deal with it. I think that some of it has to do with the fact that I am pregnant again and we are getting excited to have little baby Lee join our family, and some of it has to do with the fact that it is getting close to Christmas time and I was expecting to have a little baby to fuss over, and most of it has to do with the fact that she was not born alive, so I never got to really be her mommy. These are all hard things for me to face.
When I first had Robin, I wanted to look at all of her things all of the time. Otto and I bought a beautiful white memorial box to keep her things inside of and it was hard for me when I had to put everything inside of that box. I keep pictures of her on my laptop, which I used to look at every day, and my mom bought me a whole bunch of items to help me remember her, which I had all over my old house. I belong to a bunch of online support groups which have helped me because I have been able to talk about Robin as much as I want to other women who are going through the same thing as me. Otto has been really good about everything and has let me talk about things, even though it is hard for him to even hear her name.
Now, however, things have changed. I want to visit my baby's grave, but at the same time, I don't want to go when the rest of my family is with me, which means that I can never go. Every time Otto goes to the gravesite, he cries, and so I put off going because I can't be strong for him right now, but I feel so bad and guilty for not going. It seems to be one of two places where I can be close to my baby, but we haven't been able to buy her a headstone, so the only thing that commemorates this little child that we had is a stick in the ground by my Nana's headstone. That is also really hard for me to look at because I feel that she deserves more than that. I am scared to look in Robin's memorial box because I know that I will burst into tears, and I don't want to cry any more. I have a hard time dealing with the fact that she is really not here. I haven't been able to bring myself to look at all of the pictures that we took of her at the hospital because it reminds me of how broken her body was when she was born and that breaks my heart because as her mother I want everything to always be perfect for my children and that was one big thing that I couldn't give her.
Being pregnant with Lee has been an emotional roller coaster. I am so worried that something is going to happen with him, but at the same time, I am soooo excited that Dustin is going to have a little brother. Right now I am 23 weeks along and when I was this far along with Robin, she had already died, but I didn't know it so I was still oblivious to the fact that she wasn't alive. It brings a lot of feelings of guilt to me because I still believe that I could feel her move. Whenever I feel Lee kicking, I think to myself that this was the exact feeling I had when I was pregnant with Robin, but she wasn't actually doing anything. It is the weirdest feeling I have ever had because I don't know how to deal with that fact.
I love Christmas!!! I am probably the biggest Christmas fanatic that you will ever meet. This year, even though I am totally excited for Christmas to come, I am also dreading it. I miss Robin so much every day. I am really dreading Christmas Eve because she won't get to be baby Jesus in the family nativity pagent, and when I see Mary holding a doll instead of her, I don't think that I will be able to handle it. I really feel as though someone is missing in my family and that is hard for me to deal with right now.
As I mentioned earlier, part of this is probably just me being pregnant and so my hormones are all over the place. I do know that I will get through this, and even though I am having all of these conflicting emotions, I am usually okay. . . . it's just in those quiet moments when I have time to stop and think about things that I don't know what to do.