Interesting

Well, I made it. I made it through one of the hardest days of my life. Thanks to all of you, my family and friends for your thoughts and kind words. I know that this whole ordeal would have been much harder without so many people to lean on.
I had alot of tough moments yesterday, but is was so nice to have Otto home so that I could just retreat. We did take the kids and to visit Robin's grave yesterday and it was very peaceful and nice. Here is what I found to be interesting though. As we were walking around looking at the other grave sites (Abby's friend who was killed at Christmastime along with her father are buried close to Robin) we came across a spot where alot of infants and young children are buried. We could tell that babies were buried there because as we looked around the cemetery there were flowers at some of the grave sites and a few mementos here and there, but when we looked in the direction of the "Garden of Angels" it was so colorful and covered in toys. As we looked at the various headstones we realized that there have been so many other families that have gone through or are going through what we are going through. Then we came across this one grave that had an MP3 player on it. Otto was amazed and I told him to look at the birth date of the child to see how old they would be now. Well, the child would have been 13 years old this year, so an MP3 player would probably be quite an appropriate gift to give them. After looking at all of the beautifully decorated grave sites I told Otto that I felt guilty because I didn't have toys or mementos on our baby's grave. In fact she still doesn't have a headstone (which I still feel guilty about but don't have the funds for yet). Otto said something to me that really stuck. He said that we don't need to have tons of presents at our baby's grave site because we don't believe that that is really her buried there. We know that her body is buried there, but we believe that her soul lives on.
This is true. In fact, this belief is what has gotten me through the loss of my sweet baby. And when I think about it, it does explain alot. You see, growing up I have had grandparents and uncles and aunts who have passed away. While we have mourned them, we haven't really stopped by their grave sites annually or even really at all. In fact, when I ask my grandparents and parents where the graves are, they don't know. Some may call this sad, but to me it really speaks to me because we truly do believe that once someone dies that that is not the end. We believe that we will get to see them again after we die, and we believe that it is just their body that is buried in the earth and not their soul.
When I visit the grave site of my sweet little baby, I feel so at peace. She is buried with my Nana (whom I also miss terribly), and so I also visit my Nana when I go there. Words cannot express how grateful I am that I have the hope that I can see the two of them again. I cannot imagine how someone would get through a loss of a loved one without that hope. And even though my daughter's grave is not the one with the most toys, flowers or mementos, hers is definitely one of the ones that is filled with the most love. And even though you can't see it when you go there and visit the grave, you can definitely feel it. . . . and in my opinion that is the best thing you can do to a grave site.