Angelversary

Well, today is the day. No matter what I have done, I haven't been able to stop this day from coming. I tried not sleeping, I tried filling my days with things that needed to be done, I tried not thinking about it, but none of it worked. For some reason today came. One year ago today my world was turned upside down as I delivered my little angel baby. She was born with a little broken body and she was so tiny. I really wish that she could have had a more perfect body, but she had died quite awhile before I noticed and so her body had started to break down.
The only pictures I have been able to look at of her this entire year are the ones of her hands and feet. They were so small and so fragile, and by the time I saw her at the funeral home, her hands and feet and shriveled up and didn't exist any more. I look at the picture of her two precious feet all the time and for some reason they bring me comfort.
I do have a really hard time thinking that my little Robin's tiny body is in the ground. It breaks my heart whenever the weather is bad because I think of her body weathering the elements. That doesn't seem right to me. She is supposed to be at home with me, all warm, cozy and loved. It has been so weird for me this year because no matter what I have been doing or celebrating, it has always felt as though someone is missing. I actually feel as though a piece of my heart isn't with me and that things don't feel complete without her.
I know that my Robin is waiting for me. I know that she is happy, and I hope that she knows how much we love her and miss her. Having her has changed me. There are some things that I used to take for granted that I don't any more. Big milestones in my children's lives mean alot more to me now. I have realized that I have needed my family more than I ever have before.
I appreciate my own mother more. As soon as we found out that Robin had died and was going to be born still, my mom never left my side. She was there basically from the moment I found out on the 11th until I went home from the hospital on the 15th and then right up until we buried Robin. I know that she was grieving too. She bought me several beautiful gifts for both me and Robin. One of which is my special locket which I rarely take off. These gifts mean so much to me, but they don't mean nearly as much as having my mom helping me through this whole experience does. I know that it has strengthened the bond that my mom and I have.
Even though having Robin has blessed me in many ways, on this angelversary I just might not notice the beautiful day we are having. I may not notice the sunshine shining brightly, or the birds singing, or the beautiful flowers as I walk by, because today I miss my little angel baby. Today is the one day that I wish that she was with me more than anything else in the whole world. Today that missing piece of my heart is hurting, and my goal is to just get through today.