Mother's Day

Yesterday was Mother's Day. It was a day that we celebrate motherhood, and I also think that we celebrate womanhood in general on that day. Even though this is the day when I am supposed to feel pampered and appreciated and loved, I had a bit of a hard time. You see, one year ago from yesterday was the day that I found out that Robin had died and that I would have to deliver her. She ended up being born on the 15th because I decided to wait to be induced with her so that I could prepare myself for what was going to happen.
I did prepare myself as best as I could, and even though I have no regrets, nothing could have prepared me for the feeling of burying my sweet little baby. I think about her every day. Usually, I feel at peace and it is just a feeling of something missing. But on a few occasions, the pain of the loss of Robin has been incredibly hard. I miss her so much sometimes and on nights when it is especially miserable outside I cry because my little baby girl's body is buried in the ground and it is cold and miserable out there. I know that it doesn't make a lot of sense, but I have never been a terribly rational person.
Sometimes when I look at Lee I think about the fact that we wouldn't have gotten pregnant with him if we hadn't lost Robin. That, to me, is one of the blessings that I have been able to experience through this whole ordeal. Lee has never been a replacement for Robin, but we did feel as though there was still one more family member waiting to join us. Now that we have Lee, I feel as though all of our family members have been born to us. I feel as though I have fulfilled what I was supposed to fulfill. However, I don't feel complete. I constantly feel as though someone is missing. I don't like taking family photos because I always feel as though it doesn't really represent our family.
Like I said, I am not constantly depressed, but I do miss my little girl. Sometimes when I see little baby girl outfits I get a bit teary, or when people make comments on why Dustin and Lee are so far apart in age, it makes me sad. My girls sometimes burst into tears at the most random moments because they say that they miss their sister. It is so hard for me to console them because I miss her too.
It will always be hard for me to celebrate Mother's Day, I think because it will always remind me of the day that I found out that I lost my sweet little girl. But there is one thing that I know. Even though I have to wait until I die to see my Robin again, I do not love her any less than I would have if I had been able to raise her. She is one of my daughters and she will always be my sweet little angel baby. And one day. . . . yes, one day. . . .