Feelings

I have a friend from church who has been having problems getting pregnant. She and her husband just tried In Vetro Fertilization in January. We have been talking alot about what she has had to go through just to get pregnant, but she was able to get pregnant and it has been so much fun talking to her about everything. Not being able to get pregnant is not something that I have ever had to worry about. Otto and I have been VERY blessed in that area. Once we decide to get pregnant, it pretty much happens the next day. I was soooo excited for my friend when I heard that she was actually pregnant. She is 38 years old and her husband is 45, so it's not as though they are young and foolish. They have been married for 2 years and basically trying to have a baby the whole time.

On Tuesday evening, I got an email from her saying that she had received news that her baby's heart wasn't beating anymore and so the doctors are waiting for her to have a miscarriage. My heart broke for her. I was devastated that she is now going to have to go through the whole experience of having a miscarriage. It is strange, all of the emotions that hearing her news has brought up for me. I almost feel as though I have lost my Robin all over again. It hasn't been a year yet, and I didn't realize how raw I still am. As soon as I found out about my friend, I told her that I had the perfect book for her. When I had Robin, my mom brought me this book called "Gone Too Soon" and it is taken from talks of the general authorities of our church. This book is completely devoted to saying what the church's position is on miscarried and stillborn babies. It is so wonderful and it gave me alot of comfort and peace when I first had Robin. I took that book over to her last night, along with some tulips. I know that there is really nothing that I can say to my friend at this time that will help her feel better. The truth is that it just plain sucks. It is really painful emotionally to have your baby die whether it was 4 weeks along or 40, it doesn't matter. Once you find out you are pregnant, you are that baby's mommy and you love it, even though it causes you to feel sick all the time and tired all the time and it takes over your body and you get fat, you love that little baby and having it die is the worst feeling in the whole world.

My friend and her husband hadn't really told anyone that they were pregnant because the doctor advised against it until she was after 12 weeks because her chances of miscarrying were higher than normal. I understand why doctors tell patients that, however, one of the biggest things that has always helped me deal with losing Robin is the love and support that I have been able to feel through my family and friends. I know quite a few women who have miscarried and most of them have told me that they wished that they had told someone because it is a painful thing to go through by yourself.

Having a miscarriage or stillborn baby changes you. I feel as though I am a deeper person because of having Robin. I have a greater appreciation for the miracle of birth. I am scared to death every day that something is going to happen to Lee before he is born in 2 weeks. I have a greater appreciation for my faith in my church and the peace and comfort that it gives me. I now understand the pain of losing a child and my heart constantly breaks for the women who have to experience it. I LOVE butterflies. They are the symbol of miscarried and stillborn babies and whenever I see a butterfly or a robin they remind me of my little angel who is waiting for me up in heaven. I know that my friend will get through this trial. She is alot stronger than she thinks she is and I sincerely hope that one day she will be able to have a child, whether through IVF or through adoption and I know that she will never take that child for granted and that it will be her entire life. I just wish that she didn't have to go through this trial to get her own baby. And I do hope that I can hold on for the next two weeks until Lee is born and that everything can go well with his birth.