Robin

I miss her.

Enemy

So, I have to tell write about this person who has really been bugging me lately. Let me describe this person and see if you can figure out who it is before I reveal it at the end of my blog.
This person is someone who just doesn't seem to be able to figure it out. They just don't understand how to get the members in their family to all of the places that they need to be. They are constantly in a rush and frequently behind the pack. It is seriously annoying how they just can't seem to keep up with everyone and they seem to always slow everyone down.
This person doesn't seem to accomplish much. I don't think that it's not because they are not motivated, but sometimes they seem to take too much on. Don't get me wrong, this person is generally a nice person, but it can sometimes be hard to get to know them because they seem to be a bit shy. Because of this it seems as though they are standoffish, but I think that there is more to them than that.
This person doesn't seem to want to follow the mould. They don't break the rules, but they try to be a bit different than everyone else. This person has a hard time being spontanious and it is really hard on them when changes are made to plans.
Have you ever heard of the saying "Early to Bed and Early to Rise Makes a Man Happy, and Healthy, and Wise"? Well so has this person, but they hardly ever go to sleep early, and they have a hard time waking up in the morning.
This person's house is rarely clean. I go there quite often and they are always making up an excuse as to why their house is messy. I mean it can't be that hard to keep a house clean right? I know that this person has a few children, but if they could just control their children better, or teach them better, the kids should be able to keep all of their stuff clean right?
I know that I am not alone in my opinion of this person. I have heard various others say most of these comments either to me or to other people about this person. I do have to say that I agree with them when they say it, but I feel so bad for this person when they say it because there has to be another side to the story.
Why have I told you about this person? Why do I even associate myself with this person? I can't help it. I actually love this person. I know that this person has tons of flaws. . . many of which are listed here, but I also know that there are two sides to every story.
Maybe when we see someone who always has a messy house we are missing the fact that this person spends some of their time helping others, or teaching others, or working, or playing with their children. Maybe when we see someone who refuses to go to bed early we are missing the fact that that might be the only quite time alone that this person gets in a day. Maybe when we see someone who wants to stand out what we are really seeing is someone who is independent.
I would like to think that people would like to see both sides of the story. I would like to think that I would like to see both sides of the story. In this case, the person that I have been describing is ME. The descriptions I have made above are things that I have sometimes thought about myself on days like today when I have been exhausted, and overwhelmed. I don't think that I am that bad, but I am sometimes my own worst enemy. Aren't we all sometimes? Don't we sometimes feel as though we don't measure up? We can often forget the positive things in our lives and focus on the negative and get really bogged down.
This was me today. Writing about it has made me feel better. I hope that one day I can overcome some of my weaknesses and not be my own worst enemy.

Digital Memories??

Okay, so I have taken up digital scrapbooking and I LOVE IT!!! I think that it makes alot of sense. I mean all of my pictures are taken digitally, and stored on my computer, so why wouldn't I love to simply scrapbook on my computer? The other cool thing about it is that if I just have 10 minutes here or there, I can scrapbook because all I need to get out is my computer and not all of my scrapbooking crap!! It is also wayyyyy easier to clean up one laptop than it is to clean up all of my other scrapbooking tools. Don't get me wrong, I love to scrapbook, but this digital scrapbooking stuff is soooo cool. And the best part is that when I am done, my work is printed out into a storybook that is sewn together. So that way I don't have to worry about people wrecking my photos!!
So, because I have been doing alot of digital scrapbooking, I have been thinking about all of my digital photos. I have Adobe Elements 6 which I can use to take a picture and turn it into basically anything I want to!! While this is fun to do sometimes, it has made me wonder. Have digital pictures skewed the way we remember our own memories?? I mean if I take a picture of myself and I have a hair sticking out, or my hand is in a funny position, or I am not looking at the camera, I can edit my photo to be perfect. If I take a family photo and Dustin has a black eye, or Anne has a cut beside her eye, or Caroline is not looking at the camera, it is not a problem because I can edit those things out of my pictures. These things seem like good ideas at the time, but then when I look back at my photos am I losing a part of my memories? I mean, if I see Dustin's black eye, I can laugh to myself because I know that he got that from tripping on the stairs right before we were to go to church. Or Anne's cut that she got when she was jumping from one bed to another in her bedroom and we had to take her to the hospital to get it stitched up while I was in early labor with Dustin. And then there is my sweet Caroline who ALWAYS has to do the opposite of what you tell her when you are trying to take photos. If I edit these things out of my photos, I am missing the little stories that make up my kiddies childhood.
I can't tell you how many times I hear, "Oh well, it's okay that I look terrible in this picture, I'll just photoshop that out." Now, wouldn't we all love to have perfect hair days all of the time, and clothes without any wrinkles, and to be 20 lbs lighter. But in my life, that is not the reality, and so to tell you the truth, I don't use photoshop that often for anything other than photo effects because I don't want to look back on my photos and think that I always looked perfect back then, and then get depressed because I can't look that way now!
Maybe I am just being silly, or maybe not, but in my life bad hair days, uncooperative children and bumps and bruises are part of my everyday life. And even though I know that they sometimes irk me to no end, there will be one day when I won't have that any more and I will want to look back on my pictures and have those little memories!

Sight

I found out today at Lee's check-up that there may be something wrong with one of Lee's eyes. I am not too concerned because I know that he can see fine out of the other eye. I feel bad for the poor little guy though because it always seems to be as though there is something happening with him. It has made me stop and think about the fact that I take the gift of sight for granted. I wondered to myself what I would miss the most if my eyesight was taken away, so I decided to write a little list:

I would miss:

seeing Lee smile

Otto's dimples

looking into Abby's eyes

watching Anne dance

watching Dustin run around

seeing how much Caroline looks like Otto

the different colors and types of flowers

scrapbooking

looking at a beautifully plated dish of food

watching the sun glisten off of the water at the cabin

the view of the mountains from my house

the look on my kids faces on Christmas morning

watching my kids accomplish major milestones in their lives

adoring new puppies

watching movies and tv

READING



It is amazing how many things we take for granted. We don't even think about them unless we lose them. I sure do hope that everything goes well for my little guy because I know that if we find out what is wrong when he is young that he can lead a perfectly normal life.

Smile

What is it about a smile that makes other people happy? Is it the fact that it symbolizes happiness or do we just like what it does to people's faces? I have been wondering this recently because Lee started to smile on Sunday. I couldn't believe how excited and happy I was that he was finally able to do that. He has smiled a few times since then, and each time I get so excited. It is strange to me that a baby's smile is so different from a grown-up's smile, and yet we think of the baby's smile as cute and we recognize that it is actually a smile.
I also think that it is amazing that one of the very first things that a baby learns how to do is smile. Why is that do you think? Could it be that it is because that is what the baby sees most often? Or is it because those are simply the first muscles to develop? Is the baby actually happy, or is he just mimicking what he sees? I don't know why I am thinking so much about Lee's smiling, maybe it is hormones or maybe it is because he is my last baby, but I sure do love the fact that he is smiling now.

The Big Weekend

This weekend was a big one for my little family. We had Abby get baptized and Lee was blessed. I had been looking forward to this weekend for a long time. It was so wonderful to be with Abby as she got ready for her baptism. I loved watching her go into the font and get baptized. I loved being on the sidelines waiting with a towel for her to come out of the water. Helping Abby change into her special baptism dress, doing her hair, putting on her special baptism necklace that I had gotten her and putting on a white wrist corsage was something that I will never forget. These precious moments are the reasons that I have always wanted to be a mother. Both of my parents spoke at the baptism, and my grandparents all bore their testimonies. I do have to say that the other highlight of the service was when Anne and Caroline stood up in front of everyone and sang the song "Baptism". It was so hard for me to play the piano for them because of all of the tears in my eyes. I have never been more proud of all of my little girls.
Because Abby's baptism day was also her 8th birthday we went back to my Grandma and Grandpa Bennion's house and had a dinner and a celebration. My heart was so full as I looked around the room and realized how many people we have who love my children, especially because the weather was horrible and we had a snowstorm, but members of both my family and Otto's family braved it to be with us on this special day. It was so wonderful to see my little girl so excited that she had participated in a spiritual experience. I never realized how special this day would be for me. I know that I will remember it for the rest of my life, and I hope that Abby remembers it as well.
Today was also quite an emotional day for me. Lee was given a name and a blessing in church. This is a big deal in my religion because it is a time when our little babies are blessed by the Lord and their names are recorded in the church records. Again, it was wonderful to be surrounded by family members who love my little family. This was also a bittersweet time for me because this is the last time that I will be able to do this for one of my own children. Also, this was really hard because it made me really think about my little baby that I had last May who is now in Heaven waiting for me. I never got to have Otto give her a name and a blessing. I never got to dress her in the special white blessing dress. But most of all, when I looked at Lee laying the the beautiful white satin blanket I thought of the last time that I saw Robin. We had wrapped her in a smaller version of that blanket and laid her in her casket and she is buried in that small version of the blessing blanket. It makes me wonder if I will always have these little episodes of sadness when something wonderful happens in our family.
I completely feel as though we are done having children. We do have 5 living ones, after all. However, I don't ever feel as though my home is complete because I feel as though I am missing someone. It has almost been a year since I had my little Robin, and I have been thinking about her alot lately. I am scared to celebrate Mother's Day because that was when I had found out that she had died last year. I am nervous for May 15th because I know that it will be a hard day for me because I miss my little angel so much.
I know that my baby is happy and waiting for us to go and join her. I also know that my Abby has made a wonderful decision to get baptized and that Lee's blessing was from the Lord. I love all of my children so much, and it is so wonderful to have weekends like the one that we had this past weekend.

Change

He's changing!! I can't believe it!! Hasn't anyone told him that I hate change? He's my baby, and will forever be my baby. . . . doesn't that mean he has to stay an infant forever? What's with this anyhow? My little Lee is laying here, staring at random nothings and I just keep thinking that one day this wonderful infant stage is going to end and he is going to be all grown up.
Time is going too quickly!!! Isn't there some way to stop it for awhile? Okay. I'm not totally unreasonable, if someone could find a way for me to bottle up these precious moments I would be happy too. I mean, I wouldn't want to preserve absolutely EVERY moment. The diaper changing can go, as can the 3 am feedings. However, I need to find a way to keep a vivid memory of his sweet little infant cry. I need to bottle his newborn scent so that I can smell it whenever I want to. I do have some of his little fuzzy hair in a jar because they had to shave a part of his head to put an I.V. into it when he went back into the hospital, but it isn't the same as being able to run my cheeks over his fuzzy head. And what about the way he loves to be curled in a ball? Pictures just can't do it justice. I love the way his tiny hands curl into fists at the slightest touch. I love the way his beautiful blue eyes focus on nothing and yet it seems as though they see so much. How do I preserve the quiet evenings when I just hold my sweet baby and we adore each other? Taking footprints and handprints can't convey the fact that my little guy looks like one of those puppys who are tiny but have massive paws. Holding other people's babies wont be the same as when my baby snuggles into my arms when I pick him up after he has gotten upset.
This isn't fair. How come I get to keep my baby forever, but I have to let him grow up? Why is it that one day my little boy will turn into a man and love another woman as much as he loves me right now? How do I get to hang on to these moments when they are so fleeting? Lee will be 6 weeks old tomorrow, and he will be getting blessed on Sunday. I don't think I am ready for him to grow up. I wish that I will never have to let him experience the hardships of life. I wish that I could just cradle him in my arms forever!
Alas, I know that this isn't meant to happen, but maybe, just maybe, in these quiet moments, I can pretend.

Sometimes it's not who you are but who you marry that counts!!

This is something that I have been thinking about all afternoon. I had been having a hard time yesterday and today because I am exhausted, my house is messy, I have tons to do because I put it off for after Camp Croppin', and I am a tad post partum hormonal!! Because of this yesterday and this morning were not so good.
Well, out of the blue, I got this phone call from my dear hubby asking me if I wanted to meet him for lunch since he now works only 10 minutes away. I decided that I would load up the two boys and go and meet him even though I knew that I would be giving up my nap before I had to start teaching piano lessons tonight and I was sooooooo tired!! Well, we met up with Otto and decided to go to Wendy's. It was nothing special, but being out and being with Otto and having a little break in my day was exactly what I needed. After I left, I was a completely different person. I was still able to catch a little 20 minute nap before my first piano lesson, and my entire afternoon was a 100% improvement over my morning.
I am so glad that I have a wonderful husband who knows me and who cares about me so much. He really saved the day. I had no idea how I was going to survive teaching 8 piano lessons in the mood that I was in. It has made me so glad that I married someone who is as thoughtful and amazing as my hubby!
I sure do love my big guy!!

Whew!!

This past weekend was a fun, but busy one. I need to write it down day by day, so bear with me. . . this is where the journal part comes into play.
Thursday - Ummm. . . freak snowstorm!!! I just HAPPENED to have an appointment for Lee to get circumsized at 7:45 am. It usually would have taken me about 1/2 an hour to get to this appointment, but because of this FREAKING Blizzard, it took me 2 1/2 hours to get there. Needless to say, I was quite a bit late, very frustrated, crying and dealing with 5 angry kids. Oh, and the doctor didn't want me to feed Lee after 5:30 am, so by the time Lee saw the doctor at 9:30 am, he was STARVING!!!!!
This weekend was also my mom's big Camp Croppin' weekend at the Carriage House Inn. I was the coordinator for it, and because of the snow we were worried that some of our instructor's flights would get cancelled. We were very stressed all day, but luckily all of our instructors made it to Calgary and everything worked out great!
Our set up for Camp Croppin' went quite smoothly, except that Lee was cranky. . . . because of his little "snip snip" operation that had happened that morning.
Friday - We started off the morning with my Mom's retailers convention called Education Eh? . I had helped coordinate quite a bit of this, but my mom let me off the hook for running it. She had lots of other help and for the most part, it went great! (Well, that is my opinion anyways.)
That evening was the beginning of Camp Croppin'. I love Camp Croppin' because everyone who attends is really excited to be there. I love that feeling of excitement and it makes all of the planning and organizing worth it. It is the same feeling I get when I cater a wedding. I love doing these happy events because no matter what is going wrong behind the scenes, or how stressed you get, as long as you are surrounded by happy people who are enjoying themselves, it rubs off on you and you can't help but be happy too!
Saturday - This day didn't run as smoothly as Friday, but again, the people were still happy and so we were still happy. Did I mention that I had Lee with me during the entire convention??? He was AMAZING! I couldn't have asked for a more happy, calm, peaceful baby. He rarely cried, and he was content throughout the entire convention. There were quite a few women who loved holding him, and he seemed to enjoy it also. I think that he became the unofficial mascot of the convention. People were amazed that I was running a scrapbooking convention only 5 weeks after Lee was born, and I will admit, I was nervous about it myself. However, because he was so good, I didn't even feel an extra burden having him there. I am so grateful that I was blessed to have such a cooperative baby.
Sunday - Was there a Sunday??? I can't remember, I was so tired I basically walked around in a daze!!!
I had tons of fun this weekend, and I worked hard. I am glad that it is over, but I can't wait until next year. Now it is onto next weekend when Abby is getting baptized and Lee is getting blessed. And it is Abby's birthday and her birthday parties. This time of year is a busy time of year in our household for birthdays, but I do love to celebrate my kids' birthdays with them because it reminds me of when they were born and all of the joy that they have brought into my life.
Speaking of newborns, I am a bit concerned about Lee right now. He has been a wonderful baby, but he has had a bit of a rough start to life. I have noticed that he is having problems with his eyesight, and that concerns me. I have a doctor's appointment for next week, and I hope that everything is going to be okay. I hope that this doesn't turn out to be anything serious!
Whew! I did it!! I managed to write everything down! Thanks for taking the time to read it. . . it turned into quite the novel!!

One Month

Yep. . .that's right. . . my little Lee is one month old today. How do I feel about this? Well, to be honest, I have very mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, I can't wait to see him start to smile. I love how his beautiful blue eyes are starting to focus and they search for me when he hears my voice.
On the other hand, I feel as though I want to take each moment and bottle it forever so that I can always remember his smell, his look, his weight, the way he cuddles up to me, the way he constantly searches for me when he hears my voice. Is there some magic way to preserve these times? I feel as though they are slipping away too fast. It is scaring me, but at the same time I get excited for him to start experiencing things.
I love my little guy. I know that he was meant to be a part of our family. I am so glad that we get to be with him forever.
On another note, Otto started his new job today. He is so excited about this job, and so I am excited for him. I sure hope that everything works out for him because he is such a good husband and father and I just want him to be happy at work.

Journal Starters

Okay, so I am not the most creative person; especially when it comes to writing in my journal. So, I have found a website that has some journal starters to give me some ideas as to what I should write about. We'll see how well this works!!

Describe the ideal peaceful place for you.

The ideal place for me is the cabin. My Grandma and Grandpa Bennion, along with my Uncle Brant and my Mom built a cabin out in Shuswap, B.C. This cabin is one of my most favorite places in the entire world! The love of this place begins as soon as we get into the car to drive out there. I always wake up sooo excited. . . like it is Christmas morning. I load the kiddies into the car which is packed to the brim with all of our clothes, swimming suits, water toys, other toys, presents, treats, food and games. We play games and sing songs and open presents on the 5 1/2 hour drive. I always look for the "Welcome to B.C." sign and I swear that as soon as I see this sign I can smell the pine trees. In keeping with tradition, we sing the "Pine Tree" song which my very creative grandfather made up a LONG time ago. Then we get excited as we hit Golden. This is the halfway point on the trail, and we know that we are getting ever closer to the Shuswap. Then we anxiously wait for "the tunnels". These are avalanche tunnels that are fun to go through. Once we have finished the tunnels, it's off to Revelstoke where we always stop at McDonalds. This provides a nice bathroom break/lunch break for not only the kiddies, but for Mom and Dad as well. After Revelstoke it is only an hour until we reach "The Marina" in Sicamous. This is where we keep the boat. Our cabin is only accessible by boat, so this is the beginning of the last part of our journey. After loading up the boat, we start the 15 minute boat ride to the cabin. I LOVE the feeling of the wind in my hair, and the waves on the water (unless there are too many waves, and then I just want it to be over). The kids love watching all of the other boats go by and we wave to the people suntanning on their houseboats.

Once we finally pull up to the dock, we unload the boat and bring everything up 2 flights of stairs to the cabin. This is a bit of a tedious task, but we are always so excited to be at the cabin that it seems like a small price to pay. Once settled, we all have to go for a swim no matter what time of day it is or what the weather is like! We are just so excited to be there. Being on the Shuswap we are surrounded by water and mountains. It is so beautiful to go outside and listen to the water wash up onto the rocks, or hear a boat go by, or listen to the birds, or listen to the kids playing in the water. I love it in the mornings when the sun is glistening on the water and it is reflecting into the cabin. I love going outside at night and lighting fireworks, or just going out and looking at the reflection of the moon glistening on the water. When it is a clear night, you can see the Milky Way and my sisters and I usually spend at least one night outside talking about life. It is one of my favorite things.

I love watching my children play at the cabin. My mom and I usually stay out there for a couple of weeks together, and I love it. I love how she is completely herself out there and that my children get to spend that time with her. My siblings, parents and I usually catch minnows with the kids, swim with them, take them tubing and last year Abby learned how to wakeboard. My favorite thing to do outside is to either suntan on the dock and play with the kiddies out there, or drive the boat while people are skiing, wakeboarding, tubing (including tube wars), or boogie boarding. I am not a big water sports person myself, but I LOVE to tube old school style and I LOVE to drive the boat!

Another fun thing that we do at the cabin is cliff jumping. I cannot cliff jump any more because I have alot of problems with my ears and pressure, but I love watching everyone else cliff jump. I was also so proud of Abby last year when she jumped off of the highest cliff. The beach at the cliffs is a pebble beach, so it is fun to skip rocks or sun tan or wade into the water with the kiddies.

I love playing games at night with my family. Jenna and I have become quite the rook team and we love playing together. Our family also like to play push rummie and greedy greedy. Kristin and I usually do some sort of puzzle or paint by number or craft. I also have presents for the kiddies to open almost every day. These are about $5 presents that I have found that are crafts, toys, water toys, coloring books, games etc that I have found for them to open and to make things a little bit exciting for them. This is something that I have learned from my mom and grandma. I think that it is in my blood.

So, in case you haven't guessed, the cabin is by far the most wonderful place in the world for me. I have never found any other place that has brought me more joy, love and memories then this place has. I am glad that I found that journal starter, or else I would have never written this entry!

A Little Piece of Me

Well, today Lee and I went over to my cousin Amber's house and my cousin Lindsey dyed and cut my hair. I got to spend a little time on myself and I felt as though I got a little piece of myself back after having the baby. The weight gain that I had while I was pregnant with Lee was really hard for me to take because it has left me heavier than I have ever been. I LOVE my new hair color! And I even got. . . .wait for it. . . .BANGS!!! Yep, I haven't had bangs in over 10 years, so it is taking a little getting used to, but it is great. Otto really likes my haircut, which means alot to me (more than he will ever know). Abby noticed right away, but Anne didn't notice at all. I told Otto that if I hadn't noticed Anne's haircut right away that she would have never let me hear the end of it! We both had a good laugh over that.
It's hard to believe that Lee is going to be 4 weeks old tomorrow. The poor little guy has had quite the initiation into life. I hope that he won't have any long lasting effects and that he can live a full and healthy life. I know that this is what every mother wishes for their child, and I am not any different.

HOME

YAY!! We're home!! FINALLY!! Lee is doing so much better!! He isn't even on any medication! Now we just have a week's worth of doctor's follow up appointments, but that's better than being in the hospital. . . in fact, as nice as the hospital is, almost ANYTHING is better than being in the hospital!!!
I will make another post later, but I just wanted to update the worriers because I know that they were wondering what was going on!